Relationship etiquette

Why is it every time I look in the general direction a cute girl, my girlfriend gets pissed? Just because I look, doesn’t mean I’m interested or even remotely close to cheating. I mean, we were at McDonald’s and this girl with big boobs and sweatpants with the words on the butt walked in front of us. My girlfriend immediately jumped all over my ass cause she said I was looking. But this time, I wasn’t looking. I just don’t understand girls. I know this is because of her own insecurities about how she looks and past boyfriends cheating. I just don’t know how to make her see that looking doesn’t mean I am going to touch.

Really? Because in my experience, certain amounts and types of looking lead to touching – for girls and guys – especially if your relationship is in the “have to work on making it exciting” phase. You can't tell me you looked and didn't imagine this girl's goodies naked. And - “I mean” - in your entire rant, I didn’t once notice you say you love your girlfriend or that you wouldn’t cheat; you just said looking doesn’t necessarily mean you will. There’s a big gray area in there.

So, you weren’t looking at “spongeboob sweatpants,” but you can tell me she has big breasts and words across her bottom? You are full of bull and crap. And if she’s in McD’s and her ass and breasts are big enough to catch your attention, I can’t imagine anything on her would be firm enough to hold shape or be cellulite free once she’s naked.

Here’s the deal, kimosabe: The minute you look at another chick when you’re with your girlfriend – regardless of whether she “walked into my line of sight” – you lost. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless to rubberneck WHILE YOU ARE WITH HER. Check your consideration chip. FACT: I once broke up with a guy after three months because he almost gave himself whiplash checking out a phat chick in Victoria’s Secret – where we were trying to pick out stuff for me to wear for him.

I’m not saying it’s not okay to look other girls because it’s a natural reflex. Girls check out guys all the time, they just do it more discreetly or when they are not with the mens. It’s how and when you do it. You never want to do it in the presence of a girlfriend; if you do, don’t get caught; if you get caught, you better find a flaw on said “skank” and point it out to your girl and then make a sincere, if not overly BS remark about how much of a lucky bastard you are to have a flawless woman of true beauty. True story. It's called relationship etiquette

Quit making excuses and learn from your mistakes. I’m sure you do love your girlfriend, so don’t be a Bill Clinton – be a Hugh Grant (don’t lie about it, own it).

Hetero-curious?

I'm 26 and a lesbian, I've never been with a guy ever. But I've recently started developing feelings for a close guy friend. We flirt back and forth but I get so nervous because even though I get turned on, I don't think I'd know what to do with him if we actually made it all the way to sex. I'm not sure if this is just physical or relationship feelings, though. How can you tell? What if he doesn't like me the same way? And do you have any advice on how to make sure I don't disappoint if we do make it to the dirty? And what if I do it and don't like it? Will this complicate our friendship?

"What kind of stuff would I need to know before having sex with a guy." ~ Lesbian friend

"You should watch porn and learn to do dirty things with your mouth and his penis." ~ Me

"I wonder what it tastes like..." ~ Lesbian friend

"Not like vagina." ~ Me

"I like vagina." ~ Lesbian friend

"Then you better sit on it first." ~ Me

Sex doesn't complicate friendships and relationships - people and feelings resulting from having sex with someone do. Remember that. Then, ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a close friend over something you're not even sure you want for yourself.

I am not sure how you can tell whether your feelings go beyond hetero-curious. I always thought if you like girls, you like girls and if you like boys, you like boys. The whole bi-curious thing, while I'm sure it's legit on some level, seems like a fad - social experimentation. That's my opinion, anyway. I've never touched a kitty other than my own and as much as I've found other chicks attractive, I've never had a desire to do naughty things with them.

Being that this will be your first (and possibly last) sexy time, the only person who'll be slightly disappointed is you. You're a virgin, so it's going to hurt - a lot. Your guy friend? He's going to love anything you learn to do from watching porn. Trust me. Pay attention to where your hands and your mouth are supposed to go. Make it spectacular for him, so if you decide you don't want to do it again, he will never be able to forget the experience that will become one to compare all others to.

If you're worried about feelings, then perhaps you should cap your vagina's curious need for a little while to see if this guy feels the same way. Shagging a lesbian who has never had a penis brings pretty impressive bragging rights - if he turns out to be a douchebag. Most guys have a little d-bag in them and it comes out once they get what they want. You have the power of the 'V,' so use it wisely and sparingly and deliver only to those who deserve it.

Ask the Hot Chick: Jiggly pics

Q: Why do guys think sending me pictures of their penis is sexy and I will immediately jump into bed with them?

Because 1) at some point in their dating experience, some girl lied to them and told them it was sexy; 2) they saw it in porn; and 3) there was a misfire in brain activity due to drinking an excessive amount of alcohol and they 'thought' you would like to see what a flacid penis looks like.

Make no mistake, there is nothing sexy about a snout attached to a pair of wrinkly balls that look 100 years old. As a matter of fact, the only thing dick pics are good for is collateral for blackmail and ending successful careers. That's been proven by many a celebrity and politician. Guys must already have a feeling about this because they never include their face in the same shot as their penis.


Balls are not like boobies or a well-shaped ass on a chick. Probably the sexiest part of a man's body, if we are talking about photos, is his torso and face. The naughty bits are only appealing once there's a relationship established. Then, it's fun to use as a sexual aid when sexting because the guy has already proven his skill in using his tool. But, and this is directed to guys, randomly sending a photo of your penis to some girl you want to bone is bad taste and, if she's worth anything more than a good time, it won't work. If this tactic happens to work - and you are not already dating or married - then you have to ask yourself how many other guys have worked her over with this same method.

Nothing is sexier on a guy than a well-built torso - with the 'V-line.'

It's his birf-day, not yours

I am having a hard time thinking of a unique birthday present for my boyfriend. My top two choices are either a calendar or couple’s photos or just some sexy photos of me. I just want to get him something no other girl has thought of before. Plus I’ve asked him what he wants and he just says anything I get him will be fine. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so I don’t know him well enough yet to figure out what else I can get him. Do you maybe have some ideas just in case?

Hold up. You don’t know him that well, but you want to give him skank-sexy pictures of yourself for his birthday? What’s wrong with this picture? No pun intended.

No guy considers couples photos a gift ‘for him.’ We all know those pics are just for all his exes you ‘be-frenemied’ on Facebook so they can see just how much happier he is with you. Don’t be selfish, it’s HIS birthday, not yours.

Guys are pretty simple. If you’ve been with him longer than a month, you should know some of his hobbies, likes and dislikes. Does he like sports? Play World of Warcraft? Is he into extreme sports or porn? Get him something that shows you cared enough to pay attention to him when you guys were in the pre-sex, getting to know each other stage before all the jiggly bits got in the way – you know, when you guys were playing 20 questions and not 20 positions.

If you can’t think of a single thing, just get him a card and take him to dinner, a movie and serve up the best dessert: birf-day sex. Sure, it's something he might get often already, but it never gets old - unless it goes bad.

Dickmatized

I just found out the guy I was dating is a douchebag. He was seeing other girls at the same time he was seeing me. I contacted two of the girls to warn them that they should get tested because he was cheating and he is also using drugs - steroids. We are all upset. We are all single moms and I know I was falling in love with this man. But there was one girl who thought the whole thing was funny and wasn’t taking it seriously, even making jokes about it on his Facebook page. She obviously doesn’t care about her health and she is still talking to this douche. How can I make her see that she’s being stupid and should stop talking to him and seeing him? She has four kids and should think about them, right?

Whoa, hold on there, cowgirl. It’s really not your business what, or who, this other girl does with her vagina. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps this other chick wasn’t dickmatized by your douche and the reason they are still talking is because she was smart enough to not give up the goodies?

You may be trying to pass off contacting these other girls as genuine concern, but we both know you only did it out of spite, jealousy and because you don’t want any of them to have him if you can’t. It bothers you that there is at least one girl still talking to him. Get over it and move on. If he wasn’t faithful to you before, it’s not like this is going to change things. In the end, he wins because he was never serious about you and probably hasn’t given another thought to it since he was busted.

Maybe you should have been more proactive concerning the health of your own vagina by making this cheating bastard wrap it up before serving it up. There are worse things you can contract from unprotected sex with a guy, whom you obviously didn’t know well enough to figure out he was cheating, than a baby or an attitude from his steroid use. Seriously, Google herpes and take a gander at what your girly bits can turn into should that STD be gifted to you. Also, AIDS didn’t evaporate in the last ten years. It just got swept under the war on terrorism.

So, I wouldn’t worry about anyone else, or their kids, at this point. If the Facebook comments are getting to you, delete yourself from the asshole’s page and move on in life. If it makes you feel better to talk shit about him to the girls who are as upset as you, by all means do so. But the best revenge is by denying it ever happened and moving on as if he didn’t exist to you. If it’s closure you need, create your own because there’s nothing he can tell you that will make sense to you other than he did it because he could – and you, unwittingly, let him.

Dear a**hole ...

I just me this girl and I like her a lot. The last two weeks spent with her have been awesome. She’s cute, funny and laid back. We don’t argue and she’s just a lot of fun. This could probably be the girl I’ve been waiting for. The problem is my girlfriend. I don’t know how to break up with her without looking like an asshole. I love her and we work well together, but things have been tense between us the last two weeks, which tells me for sure that we don’t need to be together. Is there a way to end things with her so that it doesn’t get ugly? I’d like us to still be friends just in case because we have a long history. Plus, we share an apartment and I don’t want her to cause trouble when I bring my new girl around.

Dear asshole, Maybe you should break things off with your dick for a while so you can see how much of a moronic douchebag you are being. Sincerely, Me.

Seriously, you’ve known this other girl for two weeks and you think she’s perfect? Hell, everyone’s perfect in the three month grace period of a budding relationship. Let me assure you that any annoying trait your girlfriend exhibits is inherent in ALL women – little bits will come out the longer you are with someone. And that tenseness you feel between you and your girlfriend is her ‘Spidey’ sense (intuition) telling her that she’s about to get blindsided. Women are not stupid. We just pretend we are to avoid being hurt by a truth. Trust me, she already knows what’s going on, she’s just hoping to be proven wrong.

Also, your diabolical plan to continue cohabitating with your soon to be ex and bringing home your new female hobby(ies) … will probably get you (and her/them) cut. That you would even think for a second you will still be living in the same apartment with your soon-to- be ex is proof of your mental instability. You should start looking for a new place to stay – perhaps your new girl feels the same connection that you do and will be eager to have you move in? After two weeks, I’m sure the bond you’ve both created is strong enough to last a lifetime or at least until you find another ‘one.’

Maybe your current girlfriend isn’t for you, but that doesn’t give you reason to creep until you can figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too. Cause it sounds like you’re not sure this new piece you found is better than what you already have and you want to keep both around “just in case.” Typical. So, think about it when you’re not influenced by an erection. And never, ever – under any circumstances – suggest you stay friends. It’s not going to happen.

Are you (not) talking to me?

My boyfriend of over three years has been deployed for a few months and already we are having communication problems. I’m not talking about the phones or Internet not working right. Sometimes I just won’t hear from him for days and when I do it’s either a short email, a short phone call or we instant message for a quick second. It leaves me feeling like he doesn’t want to talk to me and that I’ll be waiting for nothing. As I write this, I haven’t heard from him in two days but I’ve talked to his friends who have all heard from him just today! He’s going to be gone for quite a few more months and I’m not sure how to talk to him about this without sounding needy when I should appreciate the times we do get to talk. It’s the first deployment since we’ve been together. This is also the first military boyfriend I’ve had since I’ve lived in Fayetteville. Do you have any sane advice for this situation?

Oh, boy. I was hesitant to answer your question because, for one, my own boyfriend is away on a government-sponsored trip out of the country and two – seriously - who hasn’t had this issue in this situation at some point during a deployment? Especially the first one.

In the past, I probably would have told you to respect what you need and feel is reasonable in a situation like this concerning how much your boyfriend talks to you while he’s gone. Because you know if he’s not hitting you up, he’s definitely crawling up someone else’s ass. That’s the only reason boyfriends (men in general) aren’t in consistent contact with their girlfriends. But, because of the nature of his job, you have to consider a few things.

Work: he really is working. Maybe he isn’t doing super important stuff, but you can bet your ass he’s been tasked to do some retard detail and that doesn’t put him in the best mood.

Tired: his days are a lot longer and more inconsistent than yours, especially while deployed. It’s like they don’t believe in clocks over there.

Nothing to talk about: this shouldn’t be a surprise. Most men don’t have a lot to talk about or don’t have much they are allowed to talk about. They do the same stuff everyday and aren’t creative enough to dress it up for conversation. That’s what women are good at.

Reality: as a girl, I know how chicks gauge an acceptable length for all calls, emails, texts and IM conversations – it’s unreasonable by male standards. You also have to consider that his friends may have just gotten his emails “today” even if your boyfriend sent them a few days ago -when he was actually last online.

But while I seem to be doing a good job of making excuses for your man, I can’t give you any real advice. I can tell you that no matter how you try to present this issue to your boyfriend, in the end he’s a man, and will only hear, “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” Because in the scope of his super long days, the last thing he wants to know is that there is yet one more person who isn’t pleased with what he is doing or that he isn’t doing enough. That’s not to say you should ignore your feelings for his, but if things are really as you say they are and you have to ask for what you should be getting without question, what’s it really worth in the end?