Over-inflated egos are not hot

Why do hot girls end up with fugly guys? Is it a low self-esteem thing? I don’t get it. I only date hot girls, if they don’t measure up, then I don’t waste my time. But 9 times out of 10, after we break up, they end up with some out of shape gaming dork. It’s like trading down. What’s that say about our relationship and me?

Ha! You really want me to answer that? Okay, I will.

That says you are a moron with an over-inflated ego. You are the guy who owns shirts that are two sizes too small, five different kinds of hair care products used to spike a receding hairline and the jumbo bottle of cheap cologne used to mask the douchebag stench emanating from your pores – or add to it. Chicks are definitely drawn to guys like you. You look pretty on the outside, but there’s no substance on the inside.

To answer your first question: what’s your definition of ‘fugly?’ If it’s a nice guy who knows how to treat a girl and appreciates the little things and shows genuine care, feeling and commitment to a relationship – then you might be able to see why girls would be attracted to that after dating a shallow Hal like you. So he may not be made of muscles, have an awesome tan or have a chiseled jaw line, but he can appreciate what you didn’t. Or maybe he has a large bankroll – some chicks like that more than physical appearance. Smart guys know how to make money and don’t spend it on overpriced, blinged out shirts and bedazzled jeans.

There’s nothing unattractive about gaming geeks. As a matter of fact, chicks dig ‘em. These guys watched so much porn that by the time they started having real sex, they knew a thing or two about how to work it. It’s not all about looks. If it was, we’d all be alone because the person we pick for ourselves would no doubt be looking for someone even better looking. It comes down to the little things like enjoying someone’s company, making each other laugh and a mutual desire to make each other happy.

So, slow your roll, asshole, and instead of hating, try learning a thing or two from guys who are picking up where you left off. There’s nothing wrong with being muscular and well-groomed – but if you added some brains and genuine personality into that equation, you’ll be a quadruple threat – chicks would want you and other guys would want to be you.

No one likes a free-boober

My question for you is, how do you tell your best friend to stop showing off her new boobs around my boyfriend? I think it’s great she went and got a boob job, I can tell a big difference in her self-esteem, but she’s always wearing super small, tight shirts and when she wears looser shirts, she doesn’t wear a bra and her nipples stick straight out and up. Of course, my boyfriend stares at them right in front of me and it makes me feel like I’m competing for his attention or that he wishes I had a bigger chest when we are all hanging out. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or burst her newfound confidence, but it’s really making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to have her hang around with me and my boyfriend if she’s going to do this.

Of course your boyfriend is going to check out your BFF’s rack - he wouldn't be a man otherwise. And she’s practically force-feeding his eyeballs her cleavage! But that doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about or that you need to upgrade your own chassis. Men look at everything: cars, girls, food, electronics, shiny things, porn … trust me, he is happy to have his very own doll he can play with whenever he wants – that’s you. But he still needs to be checked for being an asshole. Seriously.

As for your friend … hurt her feelings, boo. She’s flaunting her goodies in front of your boyfriend and it’s not on accident. She may not want your man, but she definitely wants the attention. Sometimes friends need to give friends a reality check. If she’s truly your best friend, she will understand how you feel and quit free-boobing it around your man and possibly get her own.

Hang on Snoopy ..

I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago. My husband is away on “business” and we had an interesting conversation where you advised me not to snoop unless I was prepared to see what I didn’t want to see. But I didn’t listen and I saw something, now I don’t know what to do. It’s upsetting to say the least. A woman wrote him an email saying she missed him and wanted to skype with him. I understood her to be a friend from high school, but to me it seems pretty forward when you know a man is married. I deleted the email from her, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Now I’m wondering if he’s been writing her or talking to her because I don’t see why she misses him. I also remember you saying if I ever did snoop, I can’t say anything because I’d be the bad guy, no matter what. But I can’t just let this go. If I were to say something, what would you say would be the best route to go?

Well, I’d say you can’t go bat-shit crazy on him because you have no idea what his response would have been. What if he would have blew her off by either ignoring the email, deleting it or – long shot - telling her that she’s being a slut by hitting on a married man? Your best course of action would have been to leave the email in his box and see how he responded. He either would have proven himself to be a douchebag or he would have made you proud. Now you will never know and that will probably bother you since I’ve pointed it out.

Not all men are bad guys and some women can be manipulative, skanky bitches. I say that in my whitest girl voice.

You did violate his privacy by digging through his stuff, but I am assuming since you’re married, you have all his passwords and he knows this. So, why would he set himself up for failure? If you hadn’t deleted the email, you could have brought it up casually and asked about it. But now you can’t. It’s one thing to go through his shit, but another to delete it, even if you feel justified.

Since you already got rid of the email, and you aren’t even sure what would have happened, you can’t really be upset at a “what if.” Just because some girl emails your husband, it doesn’t mean he invited the contact. At this point, I would put this behind you and move on. Next time, don’t go looking for things you know you’re going to find. And if you find something vague, wait for it to prove itself worth a solid argument.

Facebook drama

Totally need your help. My boyfriend and I got into a fight because I wouldn’t add his mom on my Facebook. Well, I don’t think I need to add his mom if I don’t want to because I don’t even have my own parents on my Facebook page because of what my friends post and the pictures I get tagged in. I mean, we’re not old enough to drink and we don’t party, but some of the things are not what I would want my parents to see, so why would I want his mom to see it? His mom wrote me about it and I explained to her that I only use it for my friends, my own family isn’t on it and that it doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and talk. She insists that since I’m dating her son, she has a right to be on my page. I don’t have any problems with her, I just don’t think it’s a good idea because of that exact reason. My boyfriend agrees with his mom and hasn’t talked to me in days because of this. I don’t want to give in, but I don’t like fighting. Am I in the wrong? Should I add her? If I don’t, will I lose my relationship?

Oh, Facebook, the destroyer of relationships and friendships … drama disguised as a network of friends, old and new …

Honestly, when a grown woman puts that much importance on whether she is a Facebook friend of anyone, it has to make you wonder where her maturity level is … But, it is your page and you can do what you please. I don’t really see it as a big deal to add her just to keep the peace and your relationship –unless there is another reason why you don’t want her to have access to your page?

Obviously, if your boyfriend is not talking to you over this, it means he is very close to his mom and feels you are, in some way, disrespecting her by denying her a Facebook friendship. No matter what, family sticks together. I do think it’s a ridiculous reason to fight about and not talk to you over, but the issue is important to his mum, so now it’s important to him. I’m not saying he is wrong or you are right, I’m just pointing out that this is over a Facebook friendship denial – and that it’s stupid.

I remember before the Internet and Facebook and MySpace … things were less dramatic and a lot simpler. Relationships weren’t validated by status updates online and friendships weren’t ranked by a top 8. Thank the kids that were bored enough to invent that networking bitch for making your social and personal lives more difficult to navigate, as if it wasn’t hard enough dealing with normal relationship issues.

So, you may lose your relationship over this if you can’t make peace with your boyfriend’s mom. Blood is thicker than water. It doesn’t matter what issues you may have with his mom, your boyfriend will always remain loyal to family. What he needs to be asking himself is why he isn’t trying harder to understand your side of things and maybe work together on a compromise – if he intends on staying with you. His reaction and how he handles the situation will tell you how much he respects your relationship and how much he cares.

And you probably want to start asking yourself if whatever your reasons are for not having her on your page are more important than keeping your relationship together.

Relationship etiquette

Why is it every time I look in the general direction a cute girl, my girlfriend gets pissed? Just because I look, doesn’t mean I’m interested or even remotely close to cheating. I mean, we were at McDonald’s and this girl with big boobs and sweatpants with the words on the butt walked in front of us. My girlfriend immediately jumped all over my ass cause she said I was looking. But this time, I wasn’t looking. I just don’t understand girls. I know this is because of her own insecurities about how she looks and past boyfriends cheating. I just don’t know how to make her see that looking doesn’t mean I am going to touch.

Really? Because in my experience, certain amounts and types of looking lead to touching – for girls and guys – especially if your relationship is in the “have to work on making it exciting” phase. You can't tell me you looked and didn't imagine this girl's goodies naked. And - “I mean” - in your entire rant, I didn’t once notice you say you love your girlfriend or that you wouldn’t cheat; you just said looking doesn’t necessarily mean you will. There’s a big gray area in there.

So, you weren’t looking at “spongeboob sweatpants,” but you can tell me she has big breasts and words across her bottom? You are full of bull and crap. And if she’s in McD’s and her ass and breasts are big enough to catch your attention, I can’t imagine anything on her would be firm enough to hold shape or be cellulite free once she’s naked.

Here’s the deal, kimosabe: The minute you look at another chick when you’re with your girlfriend – regardless of whether she “walked into my line of sight” – you lost. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless to rubberneck WHILE YOU ARE WITH HER. Check your consideration chip. FACT: I once broke up with a guy after three months because he almost gave himself whiplash checking out a phat chick in Victoria’s Secret – where we were trying to pick out stuff for me to wear for him.

I’m not saying it’s not okay to look other girls because it’s a natural reflex. Girls check out guys all the time, they just do it more discreetly or when they are not with the mens. It’s how and when you do it. You never want to do it in the presence of a girlfriend; if you do, don’t get caught; if you get caught, you better find a flaw on said “skank” and point it out to your girl and then make a sincere, if not overly BS remark about how much of a lucky bastard you are to have a flawless woman of true beauty. True story. It's called relationship etiquette

Quit making excuses and learn from your mistakes. I’m sure you do love your girlfriend, so don’t be a Bill Clinton – be a Hugh Grant (don’t lie about it, own it).

Hetero-curious?

I'm 26 and a lesbian, I've never been with a guy ever. But I've recently started developing feelings for a close guy friend. We flirt back and forth but I get so nervous because even though I get turned on, I don't think I'd know what to do with him if we actually made it all the way to sex. I'm not sure if this is just physical or relationship feelings, though. How can you tell? What if he doesn't like me the same way? And do you have any advice on how to make sure I don't disappoint if we do make it to the dirty? And what if I do it and don't like it? Will this complicate our friendship?

"What kind of stuff would I need to know before having sex with a guy." ~ Lesbian friend

"You should watch porn and learn to do dirty things with your mouth and his penis." ~ Me

"I wonder what it tastes like..." ~ Lesbian friend

"Not like vagina." ~ Me

"I like vagina." ~ Lesbian friend

"Then you better sit on it first." ~ Me

Sex doesn't complicate friendships and relationships - people and feelings resulting from having sex with someone do. Remember that. Then, ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a close friend over something you're not even sure you want for yourself.

I am not sure how you can tell whether your feelings go beyond hetero-curious. I always thought if you like girls, you like girls and if you like boys, you like boys. The whole bi-curious thing, while I'm sure it's legit on some level, seems like a fad - social experimentation. That's my opinion, anyway. I've never touched a kitty other than my own and as much as I've found other chicks attractive, I've never had a desire to do naughty things with them.

Being that this will be your first (and possibly last) sexy time, the only person who'll be slightly disappointed is you. You're a virgin, so it's going to hurt - a lot. Your guy friend? He's going to love anything you learn to do from watching porn. Trust me. Pay attention to where your hands and your mouth are supposed to go. Make it spectacular for him, so if you decide you don't want to do it again, he will never be able to forget the experience that will become one to compare all others to.

If you're worried about feelings, then perhaps you should cap your vagina's curious need for a little while to see if this guy feels the same way. Shagging a lesbian who has never had a penis brings pretty impressive bragging rights - if he turns out to be a douchebag. Most guys have a little d-bag in them and it comes out once they get what they want. You have the power of the 'V,' so use it wisely and sparingly and deliver only to those who deserve it.

Ask the Hot Chick: Jiggly pics

Q: Why do guys think sending me pictures of their penis is sexy and I will immediately jump into bed with them?

Because 1) at some point in their dating experience, some girl lied to them and told them it was sexy; 2) they saw it in porn; and 3) there was a misfire in brain activity due to drinking an excessive amount of alcohol and they 'thought' you would like to see what a flacid penis looks like.

Make no mistake, there is nothing sexy about a snout attached to a pair of wrinkly balls that look 100 years old. As a matter of fact, the only thing dick pics are good for is collateral for blackmail and ending successful careers. That's been proven by many a celebrity and politician. Guys must already have a feeling about this because they never include their face in the same shot as their penis.


Balls are not like boobies or a well-shaped ass on a chick. Probably the sexiest part of a man's body, if we are talking about photos, is his torso and face. The naughty bits are only appealing once there's a relationship established. Then, it's fun to use as a sexual aid when sexting because the guy has already proven his skill in using his tool. But, and this is directed to guys, randomly sending a photo of your penis to some girl you want to bone is bad taste and, if she's worth anything more than a good time, it won't work. If this tactic happens to work - and you are not already dating or married - then you have to ask yourself how many other guys have worked her over with this same method.

Nothing is sexier on a guy than a well-built torso - with the 'V-line.'