Relationship etiquette

Why is it every time I look in the general direction a cute girl, my girlfriend gets pissed? Just because I look, doesn’t mean I’m interested or even remotely close to cheating. I mean, we were at McDonald’s and this girl with big boobs and sweatpants with the words on the butt walked in front of us. My girlfriend immediately jumped all over my ass cause she said I was looking. But this time, I wasn’t looking. I just don’t understand girls. I know this is because of her own insecurities about how she looks and past boyfriends cheating. I just don’t know how to make her see that looking doesn’t mean I am going to touch.

Really? Because in my experience, certain amounts and types of looking lead to touching – for girls and guys – especially if your relationship is in the “have to work on making it exciting” phase. You can't tell me you looked and didn't imagine this girl's goodies naked. And - “I mean” - in your entire rant, I didn’t once notice you say you love your girlfriend or that you wouldn’t cheat; you just said looking doesn’t necessarily mean you will. There’s a big gray area in there.

So, you weren’t looking at “spongeboob sweatpants,” but you can tell me she has big breasts and words across her bottom? You are full of bull and crap. And if she’s in McD’s and her ass and breasts are big enough to catch your attention, I can’t imagine anything on her would be firm enough to hold shape or be cellulite free once she’s naked.

Here’s the deal, kimosabe: The minute you look at another chick when you’re with your girlfriend – regardless of whether she “walked into my line of sight” – you lost. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless to rubberneck WHILE YOU ARE WITH HER. Check your consideration chip. FACT: I once broke up with a guy after three months because he almost gave himself whiplash checking out a phat chick in Victoria’s Secret – where we were trying to pick out stuff for me to wear for him.

I’m not saying it’s not okay to look other girls because it’s a natural reflex. Girls check out guys all the time, they just do it more discreetly or when they are not with the mens. It’s how and when you do it. You never want to do it in the presence of a girlfriend; if you do, don’t get caught; if you get caught, you better find a flaw on said “skank” and point it out to your girl and then make a sincere, if not overly BS remark about how much of a lucky bastard you are to have a flawless woman of true beauty. True story. It's called relationship etiquette

Quit making excuses and learn from your mistakes. I’m sure you do love your girlfriend, so don’t be a Bill Clinton – be a Hugh Grant (don’t lie about it, own it).

Hetero-curious?

I'm 26 and a lesbian, I've never been with a guy ever. But I've recently started developing feelings for a close guy friend. We flirt back and forth but I get so nervous because even though I get turned on, I don't think I'd know what to do with him if we actually made it all the way to sex. I'm not sure if this is just physical or relationship feelings, though. How can you tell? What if he doesn't like me the same way? And do you have any advice on how to make sure I don't disappoint if we do make it to the dirty? And what if I do it and don't like it? Will this complicate our friendship?

"What kind of stuff would I need to know before having sex with a guy." ~ Lesbian friend

"You should watch porn and learn to do dirty things with your mouth and his penis." ~ Me

"I wonder what it tastes like..." ~ Lesbian friend

"Not like vagina." ~ Me

"I like vagina." ~ Lesbian friend

"Then you better sit on it first." ~ Me

Sex doesn't complicate friendships and relationships - people and feelings resulting from having sex with someone do. Remember that. Then, ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a close friend over something you're not even sure you want for yourself.

I am not sure how you can tell whether your feelings go beyond hetero-curious. I always thought if you like girls, you like girls and if you like boys, you like boys. The whole bi-curious thing, while I'm sure it's legit on some level, seems like a fad - social experimentation. That's my opinion, anyway. I've never touched a kitty other than my own and as much as I've found other chicks attractive, I've never had a desire to do naughty things with them.

Being that this will be your first (and possibly last) sexy time, the only person who'll be slightly disappointed is you. You're a virgin, so it's going to hurt - a lot. Your guy friend? He's going to love anything you learn to do from watching porn. Trust me. Pay attention to where your hands and your mouth are supposed to go. Make it spectacular for him, so if you decide you don't want to do it again, he will never be able to forget the experience that will become one to compare all others to.

If you're worried about feelings, then perhaps you should cap your vagina's curious need for a little while to see if this guy feels the same way. Shagging a lesbian who has never had a penis brings pretty impressive bragging rights - if he turns out to be a douchebag. Most guys have a little d-bag in them and it comes out once they get what they want. You have the power of the 'V,' so use it wisely and sparingly and deliver only to those who deserve it.