Ask the Hot Chick: Jiggly pics

Q: Why do guys think sending me pictures of their penis is sexy and I will immediately jump into bed with them?

Because 1) at some point in their dating experience, some girl lied to them and told them it was sexy; 2) they saw it in porn; and 3) there was a misfire in brain activity due to drinking an excessive amount of alcohol and they 'thought' you would like to see what a flacid penis looks like.

Make no mistake, there is nothing sexy about a snout attached to a pair of wrinkly balls that look 100 years old. As a matter of fact, the only thing dick pics are good for is collateral for blackmail and ending successful careers. That's been proven by many a celebrity and politician. Guys must already have a feeling about this because they never include their face in the same shot as their penis.


Balls are not like boobies or a well-shaped ass on a chick. Probably the sexiest part of a man's body, if we are talking about photos, is his torso and face. The naughty bits are only appealing once there's a relationship established. Then, it's fun to use as a sexual aid when sexting because the guy has already proven his skill in using his tool. But, and this is directed to guys, randomly sending a photo of your penis to some girl you want to bone is bad taste and, if she's worth anything more than a good time, it won't work. If this tactic happens to work - and you are not already dating or married - then you have to ask yourself how many other guys have worked her over with this same method.

Nothing is sexier on a guy than a well-built torso - with the 'V-line.'

It's his birf-day, not yours

I am having a hard time thinking of a unique birthday present for my boyfriend. My top two choices are either a calendar or couple’s photos or just some sexy photos of me. I just want to get him something no other girl has thought of before. Plus I’ve asked him what he wants and he just says anything I get him will be fine. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so I don’t know him well enough yet to figure out what else I can get him. Do you maybe have some ideas just in case?

Hold up. You don’t know him that well, but you want to give him skank-sexy pictures of yourself for his birthday? What’s wrong with this picture? No pun intended.

No guy considers couples photos a gift ‘for him.’ We all know those pics are just for all his exes you ‘be-frenemied’ on Facebook so they can see just how much happier he is with you. Don’t be selfish, it’s HIS birthday, not yours.

Guys are pretty simple. If you’ve been with him longer than a month, you should know some of his hobbies, likes and dislikes. Does he like sports? Play World of Warcraft? Is he into extreme sports or porn? Get him something that shows you cared enough to pay attention to him when you guys were in the pre-sex, getting to know each other stage before all the jiggly bits got in the way – you know, when you guys were playing 20 questions and not 20 positions.

If you can’t think of a single thing, just get him a card and take him to dinner, a movie and serve up the best dessert: birf-day sex. Sure, it's something he might get often already, but it never gets old - unless it goes bad.

Dickmatized

I just found out the guy I was dating is a douchebag. He was seeing other girls at the same time he was seeing me. I contacted two of the girls to warn them that they should get tested because he was cheating and he is also using drugs - steroids. We are all upset. We are all single moms and I know I was falling in love with this man. But there was one girl who thought the whole thing was funny and wasn’t taking it seriously, even making jokes about it on his Facebook page. She obviously doesn’t care about her health and she is still talking to this douche. How can I make her see that she’s being stupid and should stop talking to him and seeing him? She has four kids and should think about them, right?

Whoa, hold on there, cowgirl. It’s really not your business what, or who, this other girl does with her vagina. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps this other chick wasn’t dickmatized by your douche and the reason they are still talking is because she was smart enough to not give up the goodies?

You may be trying to pass off contacting these other girls as genuine concern, but we both know you only did it out of spite, jealousy and because you don’t want any of them to have him if you can’t. It bothers you that there is at least one girl still talking to him. Get over it and move on. If he wasn’t faithful to you before, it’s not like this is going to change things. In the end, he wins because he was never serious about you and probably hasn’t given another thought to it since he was busted.

Maybe you should have been more proactive concerning the health of your own vagina by making this cheating bastard wrap it up before serving it up. There are worse things you can contract from unprotected sex with a guy, whom you obviously didn’t know well enough to figure out he was cheating, than a baby or an attitude from his steroid use. Seriously, Google herpes and take a gander at what your girly bits can turn into should that STD be gifted to you. Also, AIDS didn’t evaporate in the last ten years. It just got swept under the war on terrorism.

So, I wouldn’t worry about anyone else, or their kids, at this point. If the Facebook comments are getting to you, delete yourself from the asshole’s page and move on in life. If it makes you feel better to talk shit about him to the girls who are as upset as you, by all means do so. But the best revenge is by denying it ever happened and moving on as if he didn’t exist to you. If it’s closure you need, create your own because there’s nothing he can tell you that will make sense to you other than he did it because he could – and you, unwittingly, let him.