Dear a**hole ...

I just me this girl and I like her a lot. The last two weeks spent with her have been awesome. She’s cute, funny and laid back. We don’t argue and she’s just a lot of fun. This could probably be the girl I’ve been waiting for. The problem is my girlfriend. I don’t know how to break up with her without looking like an asshole. I love her and we work well together, but things have been tense between us the last two weeks, which tells me for sure that we don’t need to be together. Is there a way to end things with her so that it doesn’t get ugly? I’d like us to still be friends just in case because we have a long history. Plus, we share an apartment and I don’t want her to cause trouble when I bring my new girl around.

Dear asshole, Maybe you should break things off with your dick for a while so you can see how much of a moronic douchebag you are being. Sincerely, Me.

Seriously, you’ve known this other girl for two weeks and you think she’s perfect? Hell, everyone’s perfect in the three month grace period of a budding relationship. Let me assure you that any annoying trait your girlfriend exhibits is inherent in ALL women – little bits will come out the longer you are with someone. And that tenseness you feel between you and your girlfriend is her ‘Spidey’ sense (intuition) telling her that she’s about to get blindsided. Women are not stupid. We just pretend we are to avoid being hurt by a truth. Trust me, she already knows what’s going on, she’s just hoping to be proven wrong.

Also, your diabolical plan to continue cohabitating with your soon to be ex and bringing home your new female hobby(ies) … will probably get you (and her/them) cut. That you would even think for a second you will still be living in the same apartment with your soon-to- be ex is proof of your mental instability. You should start looking for a new place to stay – perhaps your new girl feels the same connection that you do and will be eager to have you move in? After two weeks, I’m sure the bond you’ve both created is strong enough to last a lifetime or at least until you find another ‘one.’

Maybe your current girlfriend isn’t for you, but that doesn’t give you reason to creep until you can figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too. Cause it sounds like you’re not sure this new piece you found is better than what you already have and you want to keep both around “just in case.” Typical. So, think about it when you’re not influenced by an erection. And never, ever – under any circumstances – suggest you stay friends. It’s not going to happen.

Are you (not) talking to me?

My boyfriend of over three years has been deployed for a few months and already we are having communication problems. I’m not talking about the phones or Internet not working right. Sometimes I just won’t hear from him for days and when I do it’s either a short email, a short phone call or we instant message for a quick second. It leaves me feeling like he doesn’t want to talk to me and that I’ll be waiting for nothing. As I write this, I haven’t heard from him in two days but I’ve talked to his friends who have all heard from him just today! He’s going to be gone for quite a few more months and I’m not sure how to talk to him about this without sounding needy when I should appreciate the times we do get to talk. It’s the first deployment since we’ve been together. This is also the first military boyfriend I’ve had since I’ve lived in Fayetteville. Do you have any sane advice for this situation?

Oh, boy. I was hesitant to answer your question because, for one, my own boyfriend is away on a government-sponsored trip out of the country and two – seriously - who hasn’t had this issue in this situation at some point during a deployment? Especially the first one.

In the past, I probably would have told you to respect what you need and feel is reasonable in a situation like this concerning how much your boyfriend talks to you while he’s gone. Because you know if he’s not hitting you up, he’s definitely crawling up someone else’s ass. That’s the only reason boyfriends (men in general) aren’t in consistent contact with their girlfriends. But, because of the nature of his job, you have to consider a few things.

Work: he really is working. Maybe he isn’t doing super important stuff, but you can bet your ass he’s been tasked to do some retard detail and that doesn’t put him in the best mood.

Tired: his days are a lot longer and more inconsistent than yours, especially while deployed. It’s like they don’t believe in clocks over there.

Nothing to talk about: this shouldn’t be a surprise. Most men don’t have a lot to talk about or don’t have much they are allowed to talk about. They do the same stuff everyday and aren’t creative enough to dress it up for conversation. That’s what women are good at.

Reality: as a girl, I know how chicks gauge an acceptable length for all calls, emails, texts and IM conversations – it’s unreasonable by male standards. You also have to consider that his friends may have just gotten his emails “today” even if your boyfriend sent them a few days ago -when he was actually last online.

But while I seem to be doing a good job of making excuses for your man, I can’t give you any real advice. I can tell you that no matter how you try to present this issue to your boyfriend, in the end he’s a man, and will only hear, “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” Because in the scope of his super long days, the last thing he wants to know is that there is yet one more person who isn’t pleased with what he is doing or that he isn’t doing enough. That’s not to say you should ignore your feelings for his, but if things are really as you say they are and you have to ask for what you should be getting without question, what’s it really worth in the end?

Dear Hot Chick: A love letter

(Editor's note: this was a lot longer, but I had to cut it down to save this guy from a LOT of embarrassment.)

Dear Hot Chick,
I'm a 29 year old single guy. I don't have kids, I have a good paying job in the six figures and don't live with my parents. Your a hot girl and smart as hell. You're FB says you are in a relationship, but you don't list with you, so that leads me to believe you are just trying to make sure your not contacted by morons trying to get in your pants. Which leaves the door open for a serious guy like me. I'm not just interested in what's under you're clothes even tho I bet its perfect. I'm interested in you're mind and you're soul. I really believe that even though we have never met in person, we can get to know each other through FB and build a lasting relationship. I know that I haven't been able to stay faithful to a girl because I've been waiting for someone like you to come into my life. So, in the fashion of what the kids would say when you were in high school: will you go out with me?

Dude, in every instance, you've misused the words 'your' and 'you're. How are you making six figures? Never mind, I don't want to know. Congratulations, though, on having a job, not living with your parents and wearing a condom to avoid child support payments. I'm sure that would be a plus - to someone that was interested and could ignore the bull and crap throughout the rest of your dating profile you decided to email.

Look, I'm flattered, and although you would never have a chance in seven hells of being with me even if I didn't, I do have a real life boyfriend. One that doesn't need a link to a Facebook page to make it legit. And while I know that people start and end relationships on their social networking sites, I have never and will never allow that to be the case for me. Call me old school, but I prefer to meet someone in a coffee shop, have them stalk me to a bookstore, ask me to coffee and then call me three days later to confirm. That's what gets my panties loose - and he's been in them ever since.

Here's some free advice: Not being faithful in the past is something you probably wanna keep under wraps when courting any chick, especially if you want to eventually get laid. There isn't a girl on this Earth who will think it's romantic that you cheated in all past relationships because you didn't think it was going anywhere. You're just a douchebag admitting you're a douchebag (notice the correct usage of you're = you+are. It's like grammatic algebra). Thank you for making it easier on us, though.

A few other points to remember:

Lasting relationships aren't built on the computer. You may meet there, but if it never materializes in the real world, it's not really happening. You might as well be having a wet dream.

Never, ever - and I mean it - ever, assume that asking a chick to 'go out with you' is going to work. Even one who remembers what it used to mean. We're not in middle school. Plus, you're calling someone out on their age ... not smooth.

Don't, under any circumstances, use the mind and soul line ever again.

Take this as constructive advice that will help you become a better ... person.