So ... you're the best at kissing? Prove it.

Okay, so I met this guy that is so attractive to me inside and out. Our chemistry is unbelievable. Or was. We finally kissed and it was like kissing a suckerfish. It was wet and he had both of my lips in his mouth and stuck his tongue in and rotated it around – like maybe he learned from watching porn? He text me and said he enjoyed our kiss and I said I did, too, and now he wants to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with him sucking on my lips. What do I do? I can’t just tell him he’s a bad kisser.

Wow, you must be the best at kissing on the entire planet then. Tell me, what’s that like? To be the best at kissing?

Not everyone kisses the same.

This isn’t even a legit reason to not go out with this guy anymore. If you like him and feel there's chemistry (um ... more than what's in your panties), but this is the least of your worries, take charge. Don’t say anything, just grab his face, tell him to keep his tongue in his mouth and teach him how to do it right. It’s not that hard.

I had the same experience with a guy… although it was a long time ago. I thought it was the way he didn’t know how to kiss that bothered me, but it wasn’t: it was his shitty personality – even after he learned how to kiss, that was still a fact. But at least he walked away having learned something and I felt good that I wasn’t basing my apprehension about him on something as superficial as his inability to lock lips without plunging my throat with his tongue.

So, in the end, we’ve both done a good deed.

It won't always work, though. I believe that kissing is kind of a lock-and-key to the chemistry between two people. It either feels right or it doesn't. In that case, you should be prepared to find that this second chance still might not result in a perfect fit. 

Good luck. 

Anatomy of a douche

I’m a decent looking, single, employed and all around nice guy. I don’t have a problem getting hot girls, but have a problem keeping them. I’ve been told I was too nice and girls don’t like that. They like guys who treat them like s***. All the girls I dated are now with douches. How can I transform into a douchebag and how long do I have to keep it up to get a girl to stay with me?

Hahahahahahahaha.

If you have to ask, you have no chance at being one. You either have it, or you don’t.

Seriously, I don’t know who you are or if this is a real concern, but … I’ll bite. 

Here are a few things you can do to give yourself the appearance of being a douche:

• Pop multiple collars – how many collars denotes how big of a douche you are

•  Wear a Bluetooth – EVERYWHERE – it’s a sign of self-importance

• Take tons of pics at ‘da club’ with different girls and post them to Facebook

•  Get your tan on and go as orange as you can
• 
  
• Get a GYM MEMBERSHIP, work out your upper body ONLY

•  Drive an obnoxiously large and flashy vehicle that you can NOT afford

• Talk about yourself – A LOT – chicks dig guys who are confident …

• Cheat – A LOT – girls want what other girls have all the time

•   Got a cell phone? Make sure you are always on it

• Peacock for no reason everywhere you go and call it having SWAG

•  Wear sweatbands and headbands even when you are nowhere near a gym

•  Hair should be spiked like a grenade full of gel went off on your head

•  Shop at Hollister/Abercrombie/American Eagle

•  Sandals and flip-flops – get a lot of them

•  Chain and crucifix necklaces – own them

• Learn to talk like a BRO – refer to your friends as Bro, Dude and overuse the word Yo

•  Affliction – BUY IT

• Wear sunglasses at night – because you can

• Leave tag on said sunglasses

• DO NOT wear t-shirts - unless it’s a v-neck

• Sleeveless Ts – get some

•  Flat billed caps … for the days you don’t wanna gel the hair but still keep your douche style in check

• Talk about your gym routine as if people care – all the time

• Only drink cheap beer, vodka and tequila

•  Compliment other dudes on how ripped they look

•  Pre-ripped jeans – get some

• Replace your geeked-out FB profile pic with a pic of you shirtless – throwing up the ‘shocker’ next to a bunch of ‘hot bitches’

•  Your shirts should be so tight, they look painted on

• Hashtags – you need at least 20 of them on any post you make on FB or Instagram

•  Get an Instagram and update it with pics of yourself and what you are doing every half hour … with no less than 20 hashtags

•  Do not plan your dates earlier than 10 p.m.

I had to stop myself. Seems I know a lot about what makes a douche and it’s a little scary. Any one of these on their own doesn’t make a douche, but combine ALL of them and you are one gigantic toolbag. BUT, you have to believe it to sell it or these hot chicks will see right through the façade and you will fail. So, practice, practice, practice - because you will have to keep this up forever once you commit. 

Or ….

Just be yourself. The girls who are leaving you for tools will look back after getting douchebagged one too many times and wish they had stuck with the nice guy. By then, you will have found yourself a nice girl who appreciates a guy who hasn’t convinced himself he is God’s gift to every woman on Earth. 

Finding adult friends online

I recently joined a dating site called adult friend finder. I'm meeting a lotmore guys on this site than on match and POF. The problem is every guy I meet
wants to have sex fairly quickly. I understand what the site is for now and I
can handle a physical relationship, no strings attached.  But no one posts a
picture of their face, just their penis. It's hard to decide on whether or not I want to meet a guy based on his penis. Some of them are ... Not attractive looking. When I ask for a face pic, guys get defensive and talk about wanting to be discreet or have problems with stalkers. Are you familiar with this site? Can you give me some advice on how to get them to understand that the size of their penis is not going to make up for an unattractive face?

I had not been on that site until I read your letter. That was the most entertaining two hours I’ve spent on the Internet in a long time. It was also an overload of the dirty bits. If I never see another penis or vagina again, it would be too soon.

It's NOT a dating site. No one on there is looking for a relationship other than one where their naughty parts meet when the need strikes them. 

After looking thru the site, my theory is that most guys who won’t post a picture of their face possibly know that it’s not their best feature and are hoping you can overlook that should the sight of their penis throw you into a blind, lustful frenzy to where it won’t matter if their face is busted.

Kidding.

Most people who use the site are looking for discretionary, NSA or FWB fun. I saw a lot of married and attached profiles, couples and what seemed to be like a lot of bi-curious men and women.

And an ex-boyfriend. I’m not kidding. He was using a photo that I took for him a few years ago for a dating site.

It makes sense that members of AFF don’t want to post a photo of their face in case someone they know sees them and assumes they are a desperate loser that can’t get a date. That’s not true at all. See, sometimes if you go where you can find other people who are looking for the same thing, i.e. NSA or FWB, you have a better chance of success.

What really tickled me was reading everyone’s screen names, catch phrases and bios. I had no idea guys could be so clever! But seriously, do you even need a bio on a site like this, more than meeting criteria, instructions and a reminder of what you are looking for?

The difference between AFF and most dating sites is that you can check references! I saw where some people had testimonials from their “meetings.”

Testimonials. Everyone endorses eachother’s performance and appearance.

Some even have video of their goods and performances. It’s like an infomercial for each prospect.

You really don’t have to tell them anything. If they didn’t send you a face photo with their initial message or upon request, there’s no need to reply.

As always, practice safe sex. STDs are real and herpes is forever. Happy humping!

TMI?

I just cannot figure my husband out. I am the type of girl that feels like with him being my husband I should be able to share anything about my past. I'm comfortable with him, I don't fear any harsh judgment from him, I trust him. But the minute anything comes up having to do with any guy that I've so much as kissed in the past he completely freaks out says he doesn't want to talk about it and says he cannot stand to even think about me having a romantic or sexual life before him. I'm 27 years old, God knows I wasn't exactly innocent before him, and I, like most people have done things I regret in life, but I feel like its my past and he is my entire future. I want to be able to share ANYTHING with him. I want him to know everything possible about me and I want to know everything possible about him. I'm not saying I want to have full on explicit awkward conversations about prior sexual escapades, but I'd like to be able to share parts of my life with him that for whatever reason freak him out, and he refuses to share anything of the same nature about him self with me. Why can I not tell my husband something as simple as I went to a specific concert with an ex-boyfriend, or something as private as I've had a threesome with out him breaking down equally as dramatically to both? And why wont he share his past with me? Don't other people talk about things like that occasionally with their significant others?

Well, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to figure out your husband either. Men are more complicated than women - they just disguise it better.

I'm going to say that it's not normal to talk about past threesomes with a significant other - especially when he wasn't a part of it - unless there is a health issue you want them to be aware of. I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that I don't talk about past sexual experiences, dates or guys I've thought about naked with my man - and I don't really care to know who he was into before me. Pun intended. All I need to know is that our past got us to where we were - so that we could meet each other. 

Every guy knows that, unless she was a virgin when they met, the chick he's with has been with other dudes. But, they don't want to be reminded of that fact. Let's be honest, there's not really a good enough reason to ever bring up an ex unless you blog about it, have unresolved feelings, he is your babies' daddy, is stalking you or is famous, like Justin Timberlake or Ron Jeremy - because that would be worth bringing up from time to time. 

Sharing something as simple as going to a concert with an ex-boyfriend might mean nothing to you except conversation, but to him, it's a reminder that, at one time, you have shared all the parts of your life you're sharing with him - with someone else. He doesn't want to know or think about another guy having been where he is now. And why would you want to know about where he's been? He's not even thinking about anyone else because you are his life now and no one else matters to him. That's kind of a win for you. 

But I also understand where you are coming from. Your past makes you who you are and being able to share those things with your husband is a reflection of the intimacy in your marriage; that you can tell him anything without fear of judgment and know that he loves and accepts ALL of you - and vice versa. 

Although I don't believe that you should - or have to - share everything with your husband/wife/gf/bf ... I also don't think you should be afraid to be yourself. If this is important to you, then you should have that conversation with him, tell him why it is and find out why he doesn't think like you do. This is a perfect opportunity to learn more about each other and possibly compromise or make him feel less nervous about your need to share these things. 

Friend code offender

I broke up with a guy I was dating for over a year because after all that time, even though I loved him, he couldn’t say he loved me back and I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me. He used to text other girls and was a bit of a womanizer, although I accepted that, and even through that he still treated me like a princess so I miss him and want him back. 

Well, my best friend ended up hooking up with him and dating him. It lasted only a few months, so I guess that wasn’t true love either lol. She has since called and apologized and promised never to put a boy above our friendship again. I haven’t heard anything from him.

I guess my question is, should I even be mad at my ex and friend for hooking up with each other? It’s not like he cheated on me with her.

Are you kidding? Did you really just ‘lol’? Are you 13-years old or a grown woman?

Considering the story and question, I’m going to go with you just having the mentality of an attention-starved teenager – because any self-respecting, grown-ass chick would know the answer to this question.

YES. You should be mad - not only that, but furious! 

Maybe not at your ex - because he’s a douchenut and it’s expected that the moment you dumped him, he had plans on f***ing every one of your hot friends to show you … whatever it is guys think they are showing girls by going full whore after a break-up besides how gross-nasty they can be. 

 But your BFF?  You should not only be mad, you should also be disappointed in how little she respects you and the friendship to let a penis come between you – pun intended. Seriously, is there a shortage of guys in the town you live in that y’all have to recycle each other’s leftovers?

Look, bottom line is, she’s supposed to be your best friend. You were heartbroken over the relationship ending, whether he was an a**hole or not. Real friends support you, talk mad s*** about the ex with you and help design the blueprints of revenge over the dick that breaks your heart – not jump on it!

Sheesh! Promote your No. 2 friend to her new position as No. 1 BFF and move past this bad taste in your mouth.

Good luck!

Nothing means something but just not anything

My girlfriend says she doesn't want anything for her birthday. What is she getting at? Should I just get something small and not make a big deal about it? Or do I not get her anything at all?

That depends: how much longer do you want to date this girl? 

See, girls will always say they don't want anything for birthdays and holidays, but that doesn't mean they don't want anything. Confused? 

You should be. 

Example: when I say I don't want anything, what I mean is that I don't want an expensive gift or a fancy dinner. I want a card with a handwritten message inside, 24 hours of sweet words text to my phone and access to the remote for one evening so I don't have to DVR my shows. It’s the little things that show you care, but that take actual thought and work. 

So, it's simple. What she means is that she doesn't want anything that means nothing, she wants it to mean something. Get it? 

Of course not ... just get her something shiny, that always works. A good rule of thumb is to stay away from domestic items and gym memberships. Good luck and happy birthday to your girlfriend.