Over-inflated egos are not hot

Why do hot girls end up with fugly guys? Is it a low self-esteem thing? I don’t get it. I only date hot girls, if they don’t measure up, then I don’t waste my time. But 9 times out of 10, after we break up, they end up with some out of shape gaming dork. It’s like trading down. What’s that say about our relationship and me?

Ha! You really want me to answer that? Okay, I will.

That says you are a moron with an over-inflated ego. You are the guy who owns shirts that are two sizes too small, five different kinds of hair care products used to spike a receding hairline and the jumbo bottle of cheap cologne used to mask the douchebag stench emanating from your pores – or add to it. Chicks are definitely drawn to guys like you. You look pretty on the outside, but there’s no substance on the inside.

To answer your first question: what’s your definition of ‘fugly?’ If it’s a nice guy who knows how to treat a girl and appreciates the little things and shows genuine care, feeling and commitment to a relationship – then you might be able to see why girls would be attracted to that after dating a shallow Hal like you. So he may not be made of muscles, have an awesome tan or have a chiseled jaw line, but he can appreciate what you didn’t. Or maybe he has a large bankroll – some chicks like that more than physical appearance. Smart guys know how to make money and don’t spend it on overpriced, blinged out shirts and bedazzled jeans.

There’s nothing unattractive about gaming geeks. As a matter of fact, chicks dig ‘em. These guys watched so much porn that by the time they started having real sex, they knew a thing or two about how to work it. It’s not all about looks. If it was, we’d all be alone because the person we pick for ourselves would no doubt be looking for someone even better looking. It comes down to the little things like enjoying someone’s company, making each other laugh and a mutual desire to make each other happy.

So, slow your roll, asshole, and instead of hating, try learning a thing or two from guys who are picking up where you left off. There’s nothing wrong with being muscular and well-groomed – but if you added some brains and genuine personality into that equation, you’ll be a quadruple threat – chicks would want you and other guys would want to be you.

No one likes a free-boober

My question for you is, how do you tell your best friend to stop showing off her new boobs around my boyfriend? I think it’s great she went and got a boob job, I can tell a big difference in her self-esteem, but she’s always wearing super small, tight shirts and when she wears looser shirts, she doesn’t wear a bra and her nipples stick straight out and up. Of course, my boyfriend stares at them right in front of me and it makes me feel like I’m competing for his attention or that he wishes I had a bigger chest when we are all hanging out. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or burst her newfound confidence, but it’s really making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to have her hang around with me and my boyfriend if she’s going to do this.

Of course your boyfriend is going to check out your BFF’s rack - he wouldn't be a man otherwise. And she’s practically force-feeding his eyeballs her cleavage! But that doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about or that you need to upgrade your own chassis. Men look at everything: cars, girls, food, electronics, shiny things, porn … trust me, he is happy to have his very own doll he can play with whenever he wants – that’s you. But he still needs to be checked for being an asshole. Seriously.

As for your friend … hurt her feelings, boo. She’s flaunting her goodies in front of your boyfriend and it’s not on accident. She may not want your man, but she definitely wants the attention. Sometimes friends need to give friends a reality check. If she’s truly your best friend, she will understand how you feel and quit free-boobing it around your man and possibly get her own.

Hang on Snoopy ..

I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago. My husband is away on “business” and we had an interesting conversation where you advised me not to snoop unless I was prepared to see what I didn’t want to see. But I didn’t listen and I saw something, now I don’t know what to do. It’s upsetting to say the least. A woman wrote him an email saying she missed him and wanted to skype with him. I understood her to be a friend from high school, but to me it seems pretty forward when you know a man is married. I deleted the email from her, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Now I’m wondering if he’s been writing her or talking to her because I don’t see why she misses him. I also remember you saying if I ever did snoop, I can’t say anything because I’d be the bad guy, no matter what. But I can’t just let this go. If I were to say something, what would you say would be the best route to go?

Well, I’d say you can’t go bat-shit crazy on him because you have no idea what his response would have been. What if he would have blew her off by either ignoring the email, deleting it or – long shot - telling her that she’s being a slut by hitting on a married man? Your best course of action would have been to leave the email in his box and see how he responded. He either would have proven himself to be a douchebag or he would have made you proud. Now you will never know and that will probably bother you since I’ve pointed it out.

Not all men are bad guys and some women can be manipulative, skanky bitches. I say that in my whitest girl voice.

You did violate his privacy by digging through his stuff, but I am assuming since you’re married, you have all his passwords and he knows this. So, why would he set himself up for failure? If you hadn’t deleted the email, you could have brought it up casually and asked about it. But now you can’t. It’s one thing to go through his shit, but another to delete it, even if you feel justified.

Since you already got rid of the email, and you aren’t even sure what would have happened, you can’t really be upset at a “what if.” Just because some girl emails your husband, it doesn’t mean he invited the contact. At this point, I would put this behind you and move on. Next time, don’t go looking for things you know you’re going to find. And if you find something vague, wait for it to prove itself worth a solid argument.

Facebook drama

Totally need your help. My boyfriend and I got into a fight because I wouldn’t add his mom on my Facebook. Well, I don’t think I need to add his mom if I don’t want to because I don’t even have my own parents on my Facebook page because of what my friends post and the pictures I get tagged in. I mean, we’re not old enough to drink and we don’t party, but some of the things are not what I would want my parents to see, so why would I want his mom to see it? His mom wrote me about it and I explained to her that I only use it for my friends, my own family isn’t on it and that it doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and talk. She insists that since I’m dating her son, she has a right to be on my page. I don’t have any problems with her, I just don’t think it’s a good idea because of that exact reason. My boyfriend agrees with his mom and hasn’t talked to me in days because of this. I don’t want to give in, but I don’t like fighting. Am I in the wrong? Should I add her? If I don’t, will I lose my relationship?

Oh, Facebook, the destroyer of relationships and friendships … drama disguised as a network of friends, old and new …

Honestly, when a grown woman puts that much importance on whether she is a Facebook friend of anyone, it has to make you wonder where her maturity level is … But, it is your page and you can do what you please. I don’t really see it as a big deal to add her just to keep the peace and your relationship –unless there is another reason why you don’t want her to have access to your page?

Obviously, if your boyfriend is not talking to you over this, it means he is very close to his mom and feels you are, in some way, disrespecting her by denying her a Facebook friendship. No matter what, family sticks together. I do think it’s a ridiculous reason to fight about and not talk to you over, but the issue is important to his mum, so now it’s important to him. I’m not saying he is wrong or you are right, I’m just pointing out that this is over a Facebook friendship denial – and that it’s stupid.

I remember before the Internet and Facebook and MySpace … things were less dramatic and a lot simpler. Relationships weren’t validated by status updates online and friendships weren’t ranked by a top 8. Thank the kids that were bored enough to invent that networking bitch for making your social and personal lives more difficult to navigate, as if it wasn’t hard enough dealing with normal relationship issues.

So, you may lose your relationship over this if you can’t make peace with your boyfriend’s mom. Blood is thicker than water. It doesn’t matter what issues you may have with his mom, your boyfriend will always remain loyal to family. What he needs to be asking himself is why he isn’t trying harder to understand your side of things and maybe work together on a compromise – if he intends on staying with you. His reaction and how he handles the situation will tell you how much he respects your relationship and how much he cares.

And you probably want to start asking yourself if whatever your reasons are for not having her on your page are more important than keeping your relationship together.

Relationship etiquette

Why is it every time I look in the general direction a cute girl, my girlfriend gets pissed? Just because I look, doesn’t mean I’m interested or even remotely close to cheating. I mean, we were at McDonald’s and this girl with big boobs and sweatpants with the words on the butt walked in front of us. My girlfriend immediately jumped all over my ass cause she said I was looking. But this time, I wasn’t looking. I just don’t understand girls. I know this is because of her own insecurities about how she looks and past boyfriends cheating. I just don’t know how to make her see that looking doesn’t mean I am going to touch.

Really? Because in my experience, certain amounts and types of looking lead to touching – for girls and guys – especially if your relationship is in the “have to work on making it exciting” phase. You can't tell me you looked and didn't imagine this girl's goodies naked. And - “I mean” - in your entire rant, I didn’t once notice you say you love your girlfriend or that you wouldn’t cheat; you just said looking doesn’t necessarily mean you will. There’s a big gray area in there.

So, you weren’t looking at “spongeboob sweatpants,” but you can tell me she has big breasts and words across her bottom? You are full of bull and crap. And if she’s in McD’s and her ass and breasts are big enough to catch your attention, I can’t imagine anything on her would be firm enough to hold shape or be cellulite free once she’s naked.

Here’s the deal, kimosabe: The minute you look at another chick when you’re with your girlfriend – regardless of whether she “walked into my line of sight” – you lost. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless to rubberneck WHILE YOU ARE WITH HER. Check your consideration chip. FACT: I once broke up with a guy after three months because he almost gave himself whiplash checking out a phat chick in Victoria’s Secret – where we were trying to pick out stuff for me to wear for him.

I’m not saying it’s not okay to look other girls because it’s a natural reflex. Girls check out guys all the time, they just do it more discreetly or when they are not with the mens. It’s how and when you do it. You never want to do it in the presence of a girlfriend; if you do, don’t get caught; if you get caught, you better find a flaw on said “skank” and point it out to your girl and then make a sincere, if not overly BS remark about how much of a lucky bastard you are to have a flawless woman of true beauty. True story. It's called relationship etiquette

Quit making excuses and learn from your mistakes. I’m sure you do love your girlfriend, so don’t be a Bill Clinton – be a Hugh Grant (don’t lie about it, own it).

Hetero-curious?

I'm 26 and a lesbian, I've never been with a guy ever. But I've recently started developing feelings for a close guy friend. We flirt back and forth but I get so nervous because even though I get turned on, I don't think I'd know what to do with him if we actually made it all the way to sex. I'm not sure if this is just physical or relationship feelings, though. How can you tell? What if he doesn't like me the same way? And do you have any advice on how to make sure I don't disappoint if we do make it to the dirty? And what if I do it and don't like it? Will this complicate our friendship?

"What kind of stuff would I need to know before having sex with a guy." ~ Lesbian friend

"You should watch porn and learn to do dirty things with your mouth and his penis." ~ Me

"I wonder what it tastes like..." ~ Lesbian friend

"Not like vagina." ~ Me

"I like vagina." ~ Lesbian friend

"Then you better sit on it first." ~ Me

Sex doesn't complicate friendships and relationships - people and feelings resulting from having sex with someone do. Remember that. Then, ask yourself if it's worth it to lose a close friend over something you're not even sure you want for yourself.

I am not sure how you can tell whether your feelings go beyond hetero-curious. I always thought if you like girls, you like girls and if you like boys, you like boys. The whole bi-curious thing, while I'm sure it's legit on some level, seems like a fad - social experimentation. That's my opinion, anyway. I've never touched a kitty other than my own and as much as I've found other chicks attractive, I've never had a desire to do naughty things with them.

Being that this will be your first (and possibly last) sexy time, the only person who'll be slightly disappointed is you. You're a virgin, so it's going to hurt - a lot. Your guy friend? He's going to love anything you learn to do from watching porn. Trust me. Pay attention to where your hands and your mouth are supposed to go. Make it spectacular for him, so if you decide you don't want to do it again, he will never be able to forget the experience that will become one to compare all others to.

If you're worried about feelings, then perhaps you should cap your vagina's curious need for a little while to see if this guy feels the same way. Shagging a lesbian who has never had a penis brings pretty impressive bragging rights - if he turns out to be a douchebag. Most guys have a little d-bag in them and it comes out once they get what they want. You have the power of the 'V,' so use it wisely and sparingly and deliver only to those who deserve it.

Ask the Hot Chick: Jiggly pics

Q: Why do guys think sending me pictures of their penis is sexy and I will immediately jump into bed with them?

Because 1) at some point in their dating experience, some girl lied to them and told them it was sexy; 2) they saw it in porn; and 3) there was a misfire in brain activity due to drinking an excessive amount of alcohol and they 'thought' you would like to see what a flacid penis looks like.

Make no mistake, there is nothing sexy about a snout attached to a pair of wrinkly balls that look 100 years old. As a matter of fact, the only thing dick pics are good for is collateral for blackmail and ending successful careers. That's been proven by many a celebrity and politician. Guys must already have a feeling about this because they never include their face in the same shot as their penis.


Balls are not like boobies or a well-shaped ass on a chick. Probably the sexiest part of a man's body, if we are talking about photos, is his torso and face. The naughty bits are only appealing once there's a relationship established. Then, it's fun to use as a sexual aid when sexting because the guy has already proven his skill in using his tool. But, and this is directed to guys, randomly sending a photo of your penis to some girl you want to bone is bad taste and, if she's worth anything more than a good time, it won't work. If this tactic happens to work - and you are not already dating or married - then you have to ask yourself how many other guys have worked her over with this same method.

Nothing is sexier on a guy than a well-built torso - with the 'V-line.'

It's his birf-day, not yours

I am having a hard time thinking of a unique birthday present for my boyfriend. My top two choices are either a calendar or couple’s photos or just some sexy photos of me. I just want to get him something no other girl has thought of before. Plus I’ve asked him what he wants and he just says anything I get him will be fine. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so I don’t know him well enough yet to figure out what else I can get him. Do you maybe have some ideas just in case?

Hold up. You don’t know him that well, but you want to give him skank-sexy pictures of yourself for his birthday? What’s wrong with this picture? No pun intended.

No guy considers couples photos a gift ‘for him.’ We all know those pics are just for all his exes you ‘be-frenemied’ on Facebook so they can see just how much happier he is with you. Don’t be selfish, it’s HIS birthday, not yours.

Guys are pretty simple. If you’ve been with him longer than a month, you should know some of his hobbies, likes and dislikes. Does he like sports? Play World of Warcraft? Is he into extreme sports or porn? Get him something that shows you cared enough to pay attention to him when you guys were in the pre-sex, getting to know each other stage before all the jiggly bits got in the way – you know, when you guys were playing 20 questions and not 20 positions.

If you can’t think of a single thing, just get him a card and take him to dinner, a movie and serve up the best dessert: birf-day sex. Sure, it's something he might get often already, but it never gets old - unless it goes bad.

Dickmatized

I just found out the guy I was dating is a douchebag. He was seeing other girls at the same time he was seeing me. I contacted two of the girls to warn them that they should get tested because he was cheating and he is also using drugs - steroids. We are all upset. We are all single moms and I know I was falling in love with this man. But there was one girl who thought the whole thing was funny and wasn’t taking it seriously, even making jokes about it on his Facebook page. She obviously doesn’t care about her health and she is still talking to this douche. How can I make her see that she’s being stupid and should stop talking to him and seeing him? She has four kids and should think about them, right?

Whoa, hold on there, cowgirl. It’s really not your business what, or who, this other girl does with her vagina. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps this other chick wasn’t dickmatized by your douche and the reason they are still talking is because she was smart enough to not give up the goodies?

You may be trying to pass off contacting these other girls as genuine concern, but we both know you only did it out of spite, jealousy and because you don’t want any of them to have him if you can’t. It bothers you that there is at least one girl still talking to him. Get over it and move on. If he wasn’t faithful to you before, it’s not like this is going to change things. In the end, he wins because he was never serious about you and probably hasn’t given another thought to it since he was busted.

Maybe you should have been more proactive concerning the health of your own vagina by making this cheating bastard wrap it up before serving it up. There are worse things you can contract from unprotected sex with a guy, whom you obviously didn’t know well enough to figure out he was cheating, than a baby or an attitude from his steroid use. Seriously, Google herpes and take a gander at what your girly bits can turn into should that STD be gifted to you. Also, AIDS didn’t evaporate in the last ten years. It just got swept under the war on terrorism.

So, I wouldn’t worry about anyone else, or their kids, at this point. If the Facebook comments are getting to you, delete yourself from the asshole’s page and move on in life. If it makes you feel better to talk shit about him to the girls who are as upset as you, by all means do so. But the best revenge is by denying it ever happened and moving on as if he didn’t exist to you. If it’s closure you need, create your own because there’s nothing he can tell you that will make sense to you other than he did it because he could – and you, unwittingly, let him.

Dear a**hole ...

I just me this girl and I like her a lot. The last two weeks spent with her have been awesome. She’s cute, funny and laid back. We don’t argue and she’s just a lot of fun. This could probably be the girl I’ve been waiting for. The problem is my girlfriend. I don’t know how to break up with her without looking like an asshole. I love her and we work well together, but things have been tense between us the last two weeks, which tells me for sure that we don’t need to be together. Is there a way to end things with her so that it doesn’t get ugly? I’d like us to still be friends just in case because we have a long history. Plus, we share an apartment and I don’t want her to cause trouble when I bring my new girl around.

Dear asshole, Maybe you should break things off with your dick for a while so you can see how much of a moronic douchebag you are being. Sincerely, Me.

Seriously, you’ve known this other girl for two weeks and you think she’s perfect? Hell, everyone’s perfect in the three month grace period of a budding relationship. Let me assure you that any annoying trait your girlfriend exhibits is inherent in ALL women – little bits will come out the longer you are with someone. And that tenseness you feel between you and your girlfriend is her ‘Spidey’ sense (intuition) telling her that she’s about to get blindsided. Women are not stupid. We just pretend we are to avoid being hurt by a truth. Trust me, she already knows what’s going on, she’s just hoping to be proven wrong.

Also, your diabolical plan to continue cohabitating with your soon to be ex and bringing home your new female hobby(ies) … will probably get you (and her/them) cut. That you would even think for a second you will still be living in the same apartment with your soon-to- be ex is proof of your mental instability. You should start looking for a new place to stay – perhaps your new girl feels the same connection that you do and will be eager to have you move in? After two weeks, I’m sure the bond you’ve both created is strong enough to last a lifetime or at least until you find another ‘one.’

Maybe your current girlfriend isn’t for you, but that doesn’t give you reason to creep until you can figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too. Cause it sounds like you’re not sure this new piece you found is better than what you already have and you want to keep both around “just in case.” Typical. So, think about it when you’re not influenced by an erection. And never, ever – under any circumstances – suggest you stay friends. It’s not going to happen.

Are you (not) talking to me?

My boyfriend of over three years has been deployed for a few months and already we are having communication problems. I’m not talking about the phones or Internet not working right. Sometimes I just won’t hear from him for days and when I do it’s either a short email, a short phone call or we instant message for a quick second. It leaves me feeling like he doesn’t want to talk to me and that I’ll be waiting for nothing. As I write this, I haven’t heard from him in two days but I’ve talked to his friends who have all heard from him just today! He’s going to be gone for quite a few more months and I’m not sure how to talk to him about this without sounding needy when I should appreciate the times we do get to talk. It’s the first deployment since we’ve been together. This is also the first military boyfriend I’ve had since I’ve lived in Fayetteville. Do you have any sane advice for this situation?

Oh, boy. I was hesitant to answer your question because, for one, my own boyfriend is away on a government-sponsored trip out of the country and two – seriously - who hasn’t had this issue in this situation at some point during a deployment? Especially the first one.

In the past, I probably would have told you to respect what you need and feel is reasonable in a situation like this concerning how much your boyfriend talks to you while he’s gone. Because you know if he’s not hitting you up, he’s definitely crawling up someone else’s ass. That’s the only reason boyfriends (men in general) aren’t in consistent contact with their girlfriends. But, because of the nature of his job, you have to consider a few things.

Work: he really is working. Maybe he isn’t doing super important stuff, but you can bet your ass he’s been tasked to do some retard detail and that doesn’t put him in the best mood.

Tired: his days are a lot longer and more inconsistent than yours, especially while deployed. It’s like they don’t believe in clocks over there.

Nothing to talk about: this shouldn’t be a surprise. Most men don’t have a lot to talk about or don’t have much they are allowed to talk about. They do the same stuff everyday and aren’t creative enough to dress it up for conversation. That’s what women are good at.

Reality: as a girl, I know how chicks gauge an acceptable length for all calls, emails, texts and IM conversations – it’s unreasonable by male standards. You also have to consider that his friends may have just gotten his emails “today” even if your boyfriend sent them a few days ago -when he was actually last online.

But while I seem to be doing a good job of making excuses for your man, I can’t give you any real advice. I can tell you that no matter how you try to present this issue to your boyfriend, in the end he’s a man, and will only hear, “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” Because in the scope of his super long days, the last thing he wants to know is that there is yet one more person who isn’t pleased with what he is doing or that he isn’t doing enough. That’s not to say you should ignore your feelings for his, but if things are really as you say they are and you have to ask for what you should be getting without question, what’s it really worth in the end?

Dear Hot Chick: A love letter

(Editor's note: this was a lot longer, but I had to cut it down to save this guy from a LOT of embarrassment.)

Dear Hot Chick,
I'm a 29 year old single guy. I don't have kids, I have a good paying job in the six figures and don't live with my parents. Your a hot girl and smart as hell. You're FB says you are in a relationship, but you don't list with you, so that leads me to believe you are just trying to make sure your not contacted by morons trying to get in your pants. Which leaves the door open for a serious guy like me. I'm not just interested in what's under you're clothes even tho I bet its perfect. I'm interested in you're mind and you're soul. I really believe that even though we have never met in person, we can get to know each other through FB and build a lasting relationship. I know that I haven't been able to stay faithful to a girl because I've been waiting for someone like you to come into my life. So, in the fashion of what the kids would say when you were in high school: will you go out with me?

Dude, in every instance, you've misused the words 'your' and 'you're. How are you making six figures? Never mind, I don't want to know. Congratulations, though, on having a job, not living with your parents and wearing a condom to avoid child support payments. I'm sure that would be a plus - to someone that was interested and could ignore the bull and crap throughout the rest of your dating profile you decided to email.

Look, I'm flattered, and although you would never have a chance in seven hells of being with me even if I didn't, I do have a real life boyfriend. One that doesn't need a link to a Facebook page to make it legit. And while I know that people start and end relationships on their social networking sites, I have never and will never allow that to be the case for me. Call me old school, but I prefer to meet someone in a coffee shop, have them stalk me to a bookstore, ask me to coffee and then call me three days later to confirm. That's what gets my panties loose - and he's been in them ever since.

Here's some free advice: Not being faithful in the past is something you probably wanna keep under wraps when courting any chick, especially if you want to eventually get laid. There isn't a girl on this Earth who will think it's romantic that you cheated in all past relationships because you didn't think it was going anywhere. You're just a douchebag admitting you're a douchebag (notice the correct usage of you're = you+are. It's like grammatic algebra). Thank you for making it easier on us, though.

A few other points to remember:

Lasting relationships aren't built on the computer. You may meet there, but if it never materializes in the real world, it's not really happening. You might as well be having a wet dream.

Never, ever - and I mean it - ever, assume that asking a chick to 'go out with you' is going to work. Even one who remembers what it used to mean. We're not in middle school. Plus, you're calling someone out on their age ... not smooth.

Don't, under any circumstances, use the mind and soul line ever again.

Take this as constructive advice that will help you become a better ... person.

You read it wrong, dude

Q: I was talking to this girl for two weeks and went on a few dates with her. She’s not like the other girls I’ve met lately; she’s beautiful but smart, too. I thought things were going great but when I made the move to take the relationship to a deeper level, she freaked out and I haven’t heard from her in a week. I thought she was ready, I’ve never been wrong about reading those signs before. What did I miss?

You probably just missed the part about her not wanting you to be deeper into her. Nothing big (no pun intended).

Seriously, I don’t think you were ready to date a smart girl, because most of us don’t put out after only a ‘few’ dates. It doesn’t say anything about you, just that smart girls require more work – so, in a way, they are more high maintenance. It was going to take more than a few dinners and movies to make her panties drop. It might have even required you to become fluent in the art of sincerely interested conversation – and getting to know her.

I am well aware that there's an unspoken two week rule in dating: if she doesn't put out in two weeks, you put her out. Maybe that's enough time for some chicks to decide they are ready to to deal with the consequences and complications that sex brings to a budding relationship. Other girls might need more convincing. Maybe you found one of those. Or maybe you found a chick with serious emotional issues and just saved yourself about six months of drama before the inevitable break-up.

Look, don’t beat yourself up over this (again, no pun intended). You misread the signs, but it’s not like there won’t be other girls. Just remember this: if you have an immediate need for a deep physical result, go for the chicks you normally meet. However, if you are ready to challenge yourself an be with someone worth the extra effort of building your character and personality, an apology goes a long way when it’s sincere and followed by flowers, a card or being picked up with both by a horse-drawn carriage – so you might get another shot.

If you don’t, next time, never assume you’re so irresistibly hot that you can call all the shots. Because if she is worth it, you will let her call them.

Napolean complex

My bros and I had this discussion about man-size. We all know it matters, but why do girls say it doesn't?

Because they don't wanna hurt your feelings, moron.

Seriously, size really doesn't matter. Let me ask you this: if a guy is super tall, does that mean he will make it in the NBA? Of course not. It takes a certain amount of skill and lots of practice to play pro basketball. Size is an added benefit, but we all know there are smaller guys in the NBA, too, because they had the talent and the skill to play professional ball.

Get where I'm going with this? Bigger is not always better.

The size of the package isn't more important than the method of delivery. Just because you're hung like a broadsword, doesn't mean you shouldn't learn how to wield it for maximum effect. That being said, size will only matter if you douchebag a chick or if you don't know how to use what you're working with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and she will make sure everyone within earshot knows you're smuggling grapes in your drawers, even if you're packing a super soaker.

So, if you're taking lessons from the porn kings of Vivid video, you need to close the browser and head on over to the nearest bookstore and check out some reading material that will actually help your game. Then, the small matter of size won't be an issue anymore.

No Condom, No Cookie

My boyfriend and I recently decided we would take a step back in our relationship and not be exclusive to each other for a little while. I’m okay with that but I’m not okay that he doesn’t want to use a condom during sex. If we’re not exclusive, I’m taking it to mean he wants to have sex with other girls and I just don’t think it’s safe for me to chance that he won’t pick up something and bring it back How do I convince him to use one?

“I’m taking it to mean he wants to have sex with other girls.” – DUH. What gave it away? Was it when he didn’t actually suggest you guys break up, but that you continue to toot it and boot it until he gets a better offer? Who’s making the poor choice again? And, honey, if you’re not exclusive he’s no longer your boyfriend - he’s just a boy friend. One who, apparently, doesn’t have a lot of respect for you because he’s saying that, while you’re not girlfriend material anymore, he still wants to use your girlfriend parts. That’s a lot like renting a car or borrowing a book. You use it until you’re done with it.

But, it’s your choice.

So, to answer your question, tell him he either wraps his weapon or he can find another ‘girl friend with benefits.’ Is the sex so awesome you’re willing to risk your life for it? This isn’t just about what feels better, it’s a health issue and you shouldn’t play nasty roulette with your naughty bits. Imagine how much different dating will be for you later on because of a poor choice you make now - STDs aren’t a myth.
Think about having to think twice about every relationship after this one because you’ve been infected and can’t bring yourself to say anything for fear of not only being rejected, but also of being judged.

I’m a big advocate of monogamy and safe sex. I’m an even bigger advocate of respecting yourself because if you don’t, no one else will. If you’re sticking around hoping to win back exclusivity with this guy, it’s probably never gonna happen – “why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?” But if you’re truly cool about this new open relationship status, protect those naughty bits. If he won’t agree to use protection, I’m sure there are plenty of other guys willing to suit up for your pleasure.

Discount Dating ... Yay or nay? The Hot Chick says ... Nay.

What’s the word on using coupons on a first date? This may sound shallow, but I recently went out with a guy and he paid for our movie tickets with a coupon and then when we went to get ice cream after, he used his punch card to get one of ours free. He was a nice guy and really cute, but it turned me off that he used coupons. Is that bad? Thankfully, I haven’t heard from him since, I don’t know how I would explain that I don’t want to go out with him again.

You’re not the only one who is turned off by cheap first impressions. Discount dating is frowned upon by gold-diggers and high-maintenance chicks everywhere. Honestly, you’re probably not being shallow enough if the only reason you’re turned off is because he used a coupon – twice – on a first date. There are so many other superficial reasons to dry your panties out – like, facial warts, acne, back-ne, back hair and British teeth (from, like, one hundred years ago, before they discovered dental care was an option.)

While, technically, there is nothing wrong with whipping out a dollar-saver on a date, it can prove to be counterproductive in the effort of working towards additional dates. It’s tacky and, since women tend to overanalyze everything, sends the message that your date wasn’t worth the full price of dinner. But, I’m sure that wasn’t the case with you since you sound like such a catch. Why he hasn’t called you for a second date, and give you the opportunity to awkwardly turn him down, is beyond reason. Maybe he lost your digits. Instead of wondering if using a coupon was good date etiquette, maybe you need to ask yourself why he didn’t call you for a second date.

First dates are all about making a good impression by treating someone out to a nice time without cutting corners. The time for frugality is usually reserved for after the honeymoon period of dating. I could push that into marriage, but in these hard economic times, we all have to watch what we spend. Even though some dates don’t lead to relationships – those expenses will just have to be considered investments. Too bad there isn’t a ‘dating deductible’ section on our tax forms.

So, at the risk of giving off the wrong first impression, first dates should be planned according to a ‘no coupon use’ budget. The only places exempt from this unspoken, first date, coupon rule are amusement parks and airline tickets. So, unless you plan on Six Flags or Vegas, pick places and activities where the bill won’t be an issue. This goes for women, too. Women wanted equality, they got it, and now they pay for even if it's not as much as men do. In a recent study, it was found that while men spend an average of $100 per month on dates, women spend less than $50.

So, who’s the cheapskate there, missy?

Booby-Bars and Boys

Q: Why do guys like strip clubs so much? My boyfriend says it’s a visual thing, like watching porn, but why can’t he see me like that? And let me point out that he is not giving dollar bills to porn movies, he gets them free off the Internet. He says he doesn’t give money to the girls except to tip for drinks and that it’s just a place to hang with the guys, but why can’t he hang out at a sports bar with them?

A: Guys live in this fantasy world where they think every hot chick should walk around naked, shaking their goodies all over the place. That’s what strip clubs represent – a fantasy come-to-life! It’s like walking porn they can’t touch, but can think about later, or not at all. When he tells you it’s a social outing, believe him. No doubt he is looking at someone else’s naughty bits, but you would to, if they were right in front of you. I do.

You should really be grateful your boyfriend doesn’t look at you as an exotic dancer. I’m not knocking the lifestyle or the job. (If I had the body and the balls, I’d most likely try it, I know a few dancers and they make more money than I do.) Most men look at these girls as objects and not actual people. Those dancers might be working their way through med school or supplementing their income during these hard, economic times, but all your boyfriend and his friends are seeing are oily, glittery tits and ass – and lots of both. Those girls are only working what their mama gave them for dollars, not your boyfriend’s penis because the latter won’t pay their bills.

I’m guessing you’ve never been to a ‘strip’ club so you’re not comfy with what you think is going on, what you’re boyfriend is telling you and what’s the real deal. Why don’t you go check it out? Get your girls together for a girls’ night and make it a research expedition. Pay attention to how the girls flirt and dance their way into a man’s wallet and take those moves home to surprise your boyfriend. It might not keep him out of the strip club for bro-night, but you will have become his perfect fantasy woman. Not only will you be the girl that cooks, takes care of him, and can bring around his friends and family, but you will also be his private dancer. It’s a win.

However, if you’re not comfortable with that plan of action, maybe it’s time to sit down and explain to him how this makes you feel. Decide what you want the outcome to be and what you’re willing to settle for in a compromise. Guaranteed, he’s not giving up guys’ night at the booby bar. The drink specials are better than at a sport’s bar and they get to see more skin. Maybe you can trade for a couple’s day/night without interruption and you call the shots to include shopping, chick flicks, dinner and sexy time.

Good luck!

Forcing feelings = bad decision

Q: Okay, there’s this girl I met. She’s funny, pretty and just an all around good person. There’s just one problem. I’m not interested in her as anything other than a friend. After dating a string of drama-queens, I thought that I’d fall for the first normal girl I met, but I can’t seem to make myself like her as anything more than a friend. What’s wrong with me? Should I make a serious effort or just let it go? What if she’s the one and I let her go because I’m subconsciously looking for another drama queen?

What IS wrong with you? Stop over-analyzing and obsessing over your lack of feelings for a girl you don’t even know likes you back as anything other than an acquaintance. As long as you haven’t done anything stupid, like have sex with her, I think you’re good. Don’t cross lines and lead her on because, honestly, that’s where nice girls turn into psycho-stage-five-clingers – your ‘drama queens.’

If you’re worried about Ms. Perfect being ‘the one,’ I can tell you that she probably is - just not for you. If you don’t have feelings for her, don’t try to force them. That’s just a waste of time for both of you. What happens when you get tired of pretending to be ‘in love’? After weeks, or even months, of living a seemingly perfect partnership (mostly because you don’t care enough to talk or fight about the important things for fear the truth will come out before you want it to), you blindside her with a breakup because you feel unfulfilled and she spends the rest of her dating life wondering what she did wrong. But it wasn’t her, it was you, asshole. And YOU pretty much created the trust issues that she will carry over to all the other guys she will date. Can you live with that on your conscience? Who am I kidding, of course you can …

Seriously, though, how do you know she’s really a nice person? Just like guys, women pretend they are a lot more stable and interesting than they actually are when they first meet someone. It’s called ‘game.’ Played well, ‘game’ will give a girl the advantage of seeming like the ‘perfect’ fit for any man long enough to hook him into a relationship he didn’t know he wanted. You will know this technique by a few obvious vocal cues: mentioning sports without any facts to back up a real interest, talking about strip clubs in a positive light and agreeing that sex is a basic need that can be met without a commitment – now or ever – are just a few.

So, don’t feel obligated to ‘like, like’ or fall in love with someone because they seem like the kind of person who would be good for you. Because, truthfully, you don’t really know anyone until you get to know them and then … how well do you really know them?

Gossip Girl-friend

My girlfriend and her friends like to gossip. They get together and have focus groups about different things and people they gossip about. I don’t care, I know that’s what girls like to do when they get together, but it’s when we are alone and spending time together and the only thing she can talk about is other people and that really bothers me. At first, it was pretty entertaining to listen to what kinds of things they talk about. But it’s the only thing she can talk about. I like more substance to my conversations and this is getting old. Is this how all girls act or are there girls who do more than just talk about other people?

A: Wait. Men 'Converse'? Really? Since when? I jest …

So, what kind of “substance” are you looking for in your conversations? Should there be a sports element, mention of some boobies or even talk of alcohol and partying? No, I’m serious. I understand that what’s interesting to men can be so different to what’s interesting to women.

Well, let’s get one thing straight: they don’t consider their talk as gossiping, they consider it networking. It’s not all chicks, but there are a lot of chicks like your chick. If you were paying attention to what she was saying and not what you guys could be doing when you first met her, it would have been obvious that she would turn out to be a vapid flake, perfect for you only when her mouth was shut or occupied (don’t be dirty, I’m talking about with food or drink). There are girls out there who can hold a conversation, but there’s a trade-off. They probably won’t quick to put out, will call you on your bull and crap, and could possibly not be as hot as your Gossip Barbie. Those girls are known as keepers. I’m assuming this isn’t your first girlfriend, but if you met a keeper, you wouldn’t be writing me right now.

But to be fair, let’s assume you have a girl who is capable of holding conversations about something other than who’s doing who, wearing what and saying that. How about voicing your concerns about the lack of diversity in topics of discussion? Or – and this is just a shot in the dark – you could start the conversation on a point that interests you. I’m going to assume that when you two talk, it’s mostly her talking and you pretending to listen. Feigned interest in return for favors is not a situation that can last.

So, practice some good conversation starters and learn how to steer talk in the direction you would be more likely to participate in. If that doesn’t work, consider the entertainment value of gossip and take an interest: if you can’t beat them, join them. Good luck!

Decisions, decisions ...

I started seeing a guy a few months ago that I met on Facebook; we have mutual friends. He is deployed and messaged me out of the blue one day. We’ve talked, written, Skyped or IM’d every day for the last few months and we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, even changing our relationship status on Facebook. Well a week ago, I went out with the girls and ran into my ex- boyfriend who cheated on me with a girl he met online. We talked and he wants to get back together. But he’s getting ready to deploy. Now I’m confused. I still have feelings for my ex, and I also like this new guy, but he isn’t here and I really don’t know him well. My ex will be leaving about the time my new guy comes back. How should I handle this?

A: How should you handle what? Cheating? Because that’s what it sounds like and I don’t tell people how to creep on their relationships. Do you really have feelings for your ex other than he’s conveniently not deployed? You could have saved yourself from this dilemma by not agreeing to ‘date’ someone you’ve never actually met or spent time with, leaving yourself available to explore all other ‘options’ free of judgment. But you didn’t and if you do what you’re thinking about doing, just know that every derogatory word for chicks that cheat on their dudes will be yours to own.

You know your ex hasn’t been pining for you since the breakup - there’s probably a trail of vagina from the last time you both hooked up to now. The only reason he wants you back is he either saw your status update on Facebook, heard it through mutual peeps or hasn’t had any luck with trading up and realized you were probably the best he was gonna get. Exes have a way of knowing when to jam that emotional crowbar in your heart to keep you from moving on. Mr. Facebook is fresh and untainted by d-bag shenanigans – at least for the time being.

I haven’t heard you say you love either guy, which leads me to believe you’re just looking to have a your more intimate needs met. I suppose if you timed it just right, and kept it to yourself, you could have your cake and eat it, too. But then, that doesn’t make you any better than your ex boyfriend, now does it? So the choice - to be or not to be - is yours.

Man stealer

Q: So, I saw this hot guy walk into a bar a few weeks ago with a really pretty girl that I guess was his girlfriend. I saw him out once after with a bunch of guys without his girlfriend but he left the place we were at before I could talk to him. Is there a technique to get a guy to break up with his girlfriend? I so want him.

A: Quit being a whore and find your own man. Seriously. You’re the kind of girl that will probably get to have sex with a lot of guys that will never belong to you because of your lack of respect for another girl’s man and yourself. Guys like pretty girls and the thrill of the chase, but most of them will lose interest after they get to sample the goods and they realize that it wasn’t worth the trade.

There are a ton of hot single guys out there but I understand that being a homewrecker is sexy to people like you, douchebags, a certain A-list actress and a certain country singing sweetheart turned Lifetime movie actress. You won’t find any tips and tricks here on how to break up a happy couple. Why don’t you eat your own dinner and stop staring at everyone else’s plate?

When a good guy goes Emo

Q: My girlfriend broke up with me last week. This is the girl that I wanted to marry. We dated for over a year. It hasn’t been a week and she is already seeing another guy. She goes to all the same places we used to go to and it hurts to see she moved on so fast like she didn’t even care about what we had. She won’t return my calls or texts when I’ve tried to explain it to her. My friends said I should find another girl cause that will make me forget my ex. I just want her back.

A: Dude.

(blink, blink)

Dude, that's so emo. Quit stalking your ex and find a hobby or work project to focus on for a few weeks. You got dumped, it happens. Your friends may have something with the rebound chick idea, but no girl wants to be that girl and I don’t really advocate it. What is a rebound for you might be true love for them and it could turn into a stalker situation. Which might be a good thing because then you will know what how your ex feels about your phone calls and texts.

So, go find your man parts, reattach them to your genital area and forget about your ex girlfriend. She obviously forgot about you, why would you want her back? Especially after she’s had another guy in her bed, among other places. It’s time to move on, son. With any luck, her new boyfriend will turn out to be a real a**hole and you will find the girl of your dreams. Then you can rub it in her face.

Women: Masters of Confusion

Q: My relationship with my girlfriend has been a little rocky since she caught me making out with another girl on a drunk night out. She said she can't trust me and wants to know where I am all the time and who I'm calling or texting. The other day she said we were done and walked out after arguing over a girl who hugged me cause she found out I used to date her.Then, she sends me a text ten minutes after leaving telling me she misses me and doesn't want to break up but she had to do it. I don't get it. If she didn't want to break up, why did she break up then send a text telling me she didn't want to break up? I'm confused.

A: Of course you're confused. You didn't read between the lines, my friend. When a girl says, "We're done" and heads for the door, that's your cue to stop her from leaving. Why? Because she wants to know that you don't want to break up with her, that she means more to you than that other girl and that she can manipulate you into begging her to stay. All your chick wanted was for you to act like you cared whether she stayed or left. It's a stupid game, but if you had played it right, you could have had awesome make-up sex.


Some other words and phrases to watch out for:


"Are you really going out with the guys?" = "You're not really going out with the guys when you can spend time with me? Unless I'm invited."

"Do you have any plans this weekend?" = "I expect that we are hanging out this weekend."

"I'm fine." = "I'm pissed at you and you know why but in case you don't, I'm not going to tell you, I'm just going to stew until I burst unless you figure it out and apologize to me without me having to spell it outfor you, we've been together long enough that you should know how to read my mind by now."

"I'm going to have coffee with a friend." = "I'm having coffee with a guy friend or an ex-boyfriend but I'm not going to be specific because I don't want you to think it's okay for you to do the same."

I could go on, but it's a really, really long list.

Making of a Stalker

Q: I kinda met this girl who just move in my apartment building. I helped her carry some boxes that were too heavy and we ended up ordering pizza and hanging out all night talking. She had just moved to my city for work and didn’t know anyone. We exchanged numbers before I left and made plans to hang out soon. I text her the next day and asked when she wanted to get together. I didn’t hear back. I texted her a few more times over the next few days. Still haven’t heard back. It’s been a week. Why didn’t she text me back? Should I call her or go knock on her door? Did I do something wrong?

A: She’s blowing you off, moron. You should have taken the hint after the second time she didn’t respond to your text messaging. There’s a certain amount of texting that’s acceptable before you fall into the category of a stalker/clinger. And how do you 'kinda' meet someone? Is that like, you guys talked but never formally exchanged names? You either did, or you didn't 'meet.' I'm gonna say you did, especially if you shared a meal.

It’s hard to know exactly why she’s avoiding you. Women are complicated creatures. If we had to be honest, we’d tell you that we don’t really know why we do things like have pizza with strange men, talk to them for too many hours and then give them our number knowing we have no desire to hear from, call, talk to, text or hang out with them again. Ever. I was notorious for doing this and not just to dudes. Truth is, I couldn’t juggle that many text messages, friend requests or social outings. So … I ignored them and hoped they’d go away. Yeah, girls can be the bad guy, too.

However, if I had to think like a new-girl-in-town for a minute, I would say that maybe she is busy with her job and getting settled so, that leaves little time and energy at the end of the day for social activities – like entertaining a half assed promise to hang out with a pushy boy. Especially one that text – stalked her phone for a week with no response. Creepy. So knock it off.

It’s too late for you to call or show up at her door without creating an extremely awkward situation that will secure you a spot on the neighborhood watch creeper alert list. You think you may have shared a moment over several hours one evening, but it’s probably more that you over-stayed your welcome and she was too nice to kick you out. So, leave her alone and let her make the next move, if she’s interested. You’ve already made too many wasted attempts thru cellular contact to come back from and if there’s a chance at all at redeeming yourself, not stalking her would be it.

Bro Creeping?

Q: Dear Hot Chick, I am a hot guy. I have a job, great style and an expensive car. I even have a girlfriend. But, my girlfriend is very jealous and doesn’t like it when I go out and do things without her like boys’ night out. She accuses me of wanting to flirt and find another girlfriend and she even checks my phone when she thinks I’m not paying attention. I love her, but I like to hang out with my guy friends and do guy things sometimes like go out to the bar and drink. How do I get her to trust me? I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

A: Dear Hot Guy, I don’t understand the need for you to add the fact that you’re hot, have a job and a flashy ride, unless you’re trying to impress me (quoting 90s Shania, “that don’t impress me much”). I understand why your girlfriend doesn’t trust you. It’s clear to me that you like to peacock and that’s hard to do when you’re girlfriend is around. In case other chicks happen to notice you in the sea of other Ed Hardy/Affliction blinging studs on boys night out, you would like the freedom to see if you are still marketable in the event your relationship doesn’t work out or something better comes along – hence the choice of venue. Typical.

Every guy looks at other girls. Some even fantasize about what it would be like with another girl. Does the grass look greener? Of course it does, because you haven’t stepped in the manure yet – and there’s crap in every lawn. You just have to figure out if you want a new pile of it to deal with or stay with the load you’ve already figured out. You can be assured that your girlfriend has probably come to the realization that you are full of it, yet she is still around. Whether she loves you or just doesn’t like to lose, either way, you have something you might miss if you screw it up.

How can you get her to trust you? Assuming you aren’t creeping, ask her what would make her feel better aside from you staying in every night. Let her know that you like a little male bonding with your bros, but don’t want to argue about it all the time. Honestly, couples really do need lives outside of each other. Suggest she have girls’ night on boys’ night and meet up after for the rest of the night. Relationships won’t work without trust. If she’s not just a psycho, stage five clinger, you making an attempt at communicating with her about her emotional need to know that you’re not creeping will win you naughty time – and bro time – points.

However, if she’s right about the reasons you don’t want her around, be a jerk and dump her now so she can find someone she can p-whip.

My psycho Valentine

Q: My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for about six months and we agreed to stay friends. She would still send me pictures and sext messages but I never told her not to because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Recently, I just started seeing another girl that I like a lot. But, my ex girlfriend won’t stop texting and calling (even though I am not returning them) and I just got a Valentine’s Day package in the mail from her. After six months, I figure she would move on. It’s hard to explain to my new girlfriend why my ex still tries to contact me, let alone mails me packages. What do I do?

A: Well, you can start by being honest with yourself and admitting you like the attention because if you didn’t, you never would have said you both could ‘be friends.’ How many times did you return any of your ex’s sexts out of sheer boredom? Everyone does it, however, in some cases you can give the wrong impression. Which means, she probably thinks there’s still something special between you besides fun, meaningless, sex-a-phonic communication; therefore, justifying her hold on the long since dead corpse of your relationship. Classic relationship necrophilia – it’s not pretty on anyone.

My guess is that you haven’t been straight with her about your feelings, the break up or that you’re now hooked up with a new chick. Everyone likes a back-up plan in case plan A doesn’t pan out, right? That’s not fair to your ex or your future ex(es). New chick isn’t going to put up with you stringing your ex along (which is what you’re doing) and your ex will only get more persistent over time, eventually causing bigger, more difficult to hide situations not only in this relationship but future ones, too. No one likes a crazy ex. Don’t you watch Lifetime Television for Women?

Seriously, if you really want to get rid of Ms. Valentine, you will have to re-break up with her and tell her why – now. Valentine’s Day is a crappy time to do it, but there’s no time like the present. Speaking of which, you will want to send any packages back, unopened, or you will look like more of a douchebag than you have been. Be prepared for an Academy Award-worthy performance of tears, angry accusations and, finally, the eery and creepy vow that you will “get yours.”

The good news is that once this is done, you may have a few follow-up texts, phone calls and e-mails from the ex, but if you stand your ground, those will disappear into the past and so will your ex. Good luck with all your future exes.

Dating Fail

Q: I’m a 34 year old, pretty okay looking, successful guy that has had not so much success with dating. The girls I meet seem to turn into stage five clingers and, after I break up with them, stalkers. I decided to try online dating and the girls on there that I’m interested in don’t wink or poke me back. Now, I have a Facebook but it’s not like MySpace where I can search for girls in the same area, I can only look at mutual friends and friends of friends – it’s all about the friends and people I know. I want to find a girl who can have her own life, not expect to get married and still be available to hang out with me when I don’t have plans with my friends. Where can I find a girl like that?

A: I’m willing to bet dating hasn’t been working out for you because you’re not really looking for a relationship, just a convenient, long (or short) term hook-up. Your best bet is adultfriendfinder dot com. You don’t even need a picture of your face, just your naughty bits. It’s like a personals ad for friends with benefits with many available single and group options. No one will be looking for a ring, for their finger anyway, and everyone is there for the same reason you are: booty. It really is a win-win.

Most of the chicks on those dating sites are going to be looking for a long-term relationship. If they are not winking, poking or writing you back, it’s because there’s something in your profile that screams, ‘waste of time!’ You, my friend, are looking for a booty call, not even a friend with benefits. So, looking for booty on a site where every chick is looking for a love connection is counterproductive.

I’m gonna tell you it’s a little weird that you’re 34 years old and creeping the social networks for chicks. Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people who have met in person, continued their flirtship via the social network scene and have gone on to become a couple. But there just seems to be an element of ‘creeper’ for a grown ass man to be trolling the pages of Facebook and MySpace for a hook up. You might ask what’s the difference between that and a dating site? Well, you probably won’t find too many tweens and teens on the latter. Get where I’m going with this?

Try the Tucker Max theory of honesty: tell chicks straight up what you’re in it for. It seems to work for him, he was able to write two books about all the ass he was getting.