No means no, even for dudes

I had been talking to this guy and we flirted around about sex. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything like that until we were in a relationship. He said he understood and things seemed to be going really good. so we had sex one day and I thought we were in a relationship but when I asked him, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Okay, fine. I quit talking to him. About a week ago, he starts texting me like nothing happened, but I won’t talk to him. Is that wrong? Or should I try it again with him? Why is he acting like nothing’s wrong?

Oh, honey, where do I start?

Why is he acting like nothing is wrong? He wants to get in your pants - again. It’s THAT obvious. Are you that desperately single  you can’t see when a dude’s trying to play you? He must be one hot piece of mancandy, for you to be this confused.

Unless he specifically told you that he was mulling over the idea of being your boyfriend before you had sex, this is your fault. You lowered your standards thinking you might sex this guy into a commitment and it didn’t work.  So, he didn’t really do anything wrong and feels his chances of getting to your cookie again are pretty good – since it was so easy the first time.

Give him another shot?  – you will probably do it anyway. Shoot, maybe if you consent to some casual sex over an extended period of time, pretend you don’t care about your relationship requirement and play his game, maybe you will win his relationship lottery. Oh, you didn’t know? You’re probably not the only girl he’s talking shit to, he has at least two more and they are onto his game right now. His back up plan is you, sweetheart.

Grow a pair and stick to your standards. If he was worth your time, you would not be in this situation at all.

Talk to me, baby

I have one for you: let's say you have a boyfriend. Let's say you guys have been together for almost two years. Let's say that boyfriend has girls that are his friends. Then let's say that he talks to those girls more than he talks to you and by the time you get to spend any time with him, he has nothing to share with you because he already shared it with all those other girl 'friends.' This is a recent thing, too. It pisses me off and he doesn't understand why. I can't even put it into words why because I don't even care that he has girls that are friends it just makes me mad. Everytime I bring it up, we fight about it. Can you help me out here? I want to know how I can put this into words that will make him understand.

You're pissed because you feel that he's sharing his life with these other chicks instead of with you - the person who has been there and put in the work for your relationship. You feel disrespected because he doesn't consider your feelings AND I think that he is causing you to feel insecure about where you stand in the relationship. I get it. Girl stuff.

Sweetheart, he will never understand. Know why?

Because he is a selfish f*&%ing bastard that knows he can get away with making you just an option in his life since you have been letting him get away with it for this long (however long 'this long is,' is too long).

My boyfriend told me a long time ago that guys don't have girls as friends. There are only girls they are having sex with, girls they've had sex with and girls they want to have sex with. His honesty is unrivaled when it comes to the business of the vagina, so I consider him a subject matter expert.

My immediate advice would be to quit that douche, you can do better. But you won't. Your self-esteem is so low right now because of how he's treating you that you can't realize your own self worth. I'm not going to tell you that you're a beautiful girl with a great personality and can do better because I don't know what you're really like - for all I know you could be a busted, stage five clinger looking for a way to 'Misery' the shit out of your boyfriend. I'm not going to be an accomplice to that.

What I am going to tell you is this: it's been my experience that when someone chooses to argue with you over an issue like this instead of trying to understand your feelings and work towards a solution/compromise - there's something more going on than he's letting on.

You could dump his douchey ass. Time apart might put things in perspective for you both. He might realize what a douche he's been and come around, but by that time you will have realized that you can do much better. Talk about winning ... getting yourself back is the best thing for you right now.

And not that any other guy will be a prince, every relationship has issues, but maybe you will find a guy who wants to be with you enough that he will make you and your feelings a priority.

Wrap it before you let him slap it

I just had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. He didn't use a condom, but he did pull out. I'm only 17 and don't want to get pregnant so I'm on the pill. But I think that he should use a condom, too, just to be safer. He doesn't want to because he says it doesn't feel as good for him. I want to graduate high school and finish college and get married before I have kids and he doesn't understand that. I've heard of girls getting pregnant on the pill - what are the chances if he pulls out? Should I worry?

I'm finding it hard to believe that a 17-year old, in this day and age, can be so ignorant when it comes to sex education. Pregnancy is the only thing you are worried about?

Getting pregnant is only one complication of unprotected sex. For example ... the clap isn't just something you do with your hands.

That's right ... the clap is an STD more clinically known as gonorrhea. 

Let's not forget some of the other vag infesting bacteria like HPV, PIV, trichomoniasis, PID, syphilis, chlamydia and BV. All that shit will make your vag smell like rotting fish, too. People will smell you before they see you. Ew.

But that's not the worst of it, all of those I just mentioned can be treated and cured. Check these two out:

Herpes, if you're unlucky enough to be gifted with that gem of an STD, stays with you for life. You will be on medication forever. It never goes away. Ever. Warts will grow on your dirty parts and it's painful. Your days of hopping in the sack on a whim will be over because you will be able to infect others. Imagine meeting a guy and really liking him and then having to tell him your dirty part is ... dirty. That's embarrassing.


Then there's AIDS. I know, with all the celebrity drama, war and stupid people making headlines in the last few years, all the talk about AIDS seems to have disappeared to the point that people think it's under control, treatable or at least curable. It's not. And AIDS will kill you eventually.

Your health is more important than how good your boyfriend's penis feels. If you guys are not married, and you're going to have sex, he should wrap it before you let him slap it or you may regret it.

Oh. Yes, you can most definitely get pregnant on the pill.

Big dreamer

Is it wrong that I just want to be a stay-at-home-wife? Ever since I was a little girl, when anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I knew I just wanted to be married. When I was young, everyone thought it was cute, but now, they think I'm a flake for not having any ambition to be somewhat independent. I look at it this way: men cheat on their wives who work, take care of the kids and don't have time to get pretty everyday with women who don't have those responsibilities and can wait on them hand and foot. So, why not just drop out of nursing school and start there?

I - and most everyone else - look at it this way: you're lazy and don't want to work, so you want to get married and have someone pay your way through life and in return you will, shop, look pretty and perform sensual/sexual favors.

You might as well be a stripper or a prostitute.

Actually, hitting the pole is not a bad idea: not only can you stay in school to legitimize your claim of working your way to a higher education, but you will put yourself in a position to meet guys who apparently have the capital to make it rain hundred dollar bills - as you shove your mentionables in their personal space. It's not a bad deal, really.

Look, it's 2012. The economy won't support big dreams like yours anymore. Most households have a hard time making things work on two incomes, let alone one. While there may be some truth to your statement of why men cheat ... there are other factors that affect relationships/marriages which have little to do with work.

 As a matter of fact, I could tell you that men cheat on kept women, too. So, wouldn't you like to be financially prepared in the (hypothetical) event of your replacement?

Plus, getting your degree and a job will not only help you prepare for the future, but it will increase your worth-and make you more desirable by giving you more options when it comes to dating. Most men like independent women more than lazy ass chicks looking for a free ride. It's the perfect bait and switch - they will think they are getting a capable, independent woman until you quit your job to pop out a few kids to secure him and his paycheck. Win.

Don't give up on your dreams, mama. Just grow up and smell the reality. No one wants to invest in long term baggage - no matter how pretty you dress it up.

Bros before .... wives? Really.

This is going to sound petty, but I have a problem with one of my husband's friends. He doesn't like me and I can be okay with that even if there is no reason for the way he feels towards me. What I do mind though is that he takes every opportunity to slam me to my husband and his other friends - in public!! I don't get it, I can't recall if I said or did anything to make him feel this way about me, but no one, including my husband, defends me to this guy. My husband says it's just his personality. I don't like it and I'm at the point that I do not want him at our house or get togethers with our other friends. My husband says I'm being a typical female, how do I explain this in a way that he will understand?

Your husband is an asshole. And that guy needs to be punched in the ballsack.

This whole situation is drama, really. There is a reason this guy doesn't like you and I guarantee it may have something to do with your husband - unless this moron has a crush on you and is trying to make you look bad so it's not noticeable. Kindergarten tactic, really, but it happens. Or ... your husband could have his dick up this guy's ass for a reason ... But I digress ...

Guys like to talk. They are just as bad - if not worse - than girls. Every fight you have, every discussion about issues in your relationship, are topics of discussion during bro-time. And there are some friends who cannot pretend they like someone who has become unlikeable in their eyes. Most people can be civil. then there are asshats like your husband's friend who can't act like an adult.

I don't know any man who wouldn't stand up for his wife's or girlfriend's honor in a situation like this.

I also don't know what else to tell you. You've banned this guy from your presence, but if you are hoping to ban him from your man's circle of friends ... that might be a little harder to do since he doesn't understand why your panties are in such a wad about this guy.

Bitchy woman

My question to you is this: recently, my girlfriend and I got back together after being broken up for a few weeks. But we are moving back to the direction of our same problems and the reason we broke up before. She says I am not listening to her and I'm not trying to make changes when she is essentially acting like the same person before too. She can be a bitch about everything from how I do my hair to if I want guy time to not wanting to do things because I'm too tired from work. She says I need to change and that it's my fault. How can she expect me to change when she doesn't?

You are not listening to what she is really trying to say. And it's not all your fault, it's hers, too.

Instead of getting pissed and going on the defensive during an argument, calm down and ask her what she feels you are doing wrong and what she would like to see happen. I guarantee  you this will back her up a bit - providing she isn't unreasonably psycho. If you can have a discussion, you will also get the chance to talk about the things that annoy the piss out of you about her, too. She wants you to not only listen and UNDERSTAND how she is feeling, but CARE enough to do something about it.

That's all. 

But she needs to be able to do the same with you. Guys have feelings too and chicks need to stop pretending it's all the guy's fault. Guys react to the way girls act - and vice versa. Your girlfriend needs to understand that there are two of you in this and blaming you for everything is her being ignorant of her own contributions to the problems you both are having.

Relationships fail because couples aren't willing to work on them anymore. At the first sign of a problem, one or both either bail or use that as an excuse to distance their feelings and creep.  Look, the grass on the other side of the fence is only green because it's new. And that yard will become infested with weeds if you don't take care of it, too. True story, son.

So, here's what you do: talk to your girlfriend and see why she is being such a bitch about things you don't think should matter. Then understand that maybe you are being a dick because you don't care about how she feels about those things. Or maybe you do, but you don't know how to make her feel better about them. She can help you with that. Finally, care enough to compromise on a solution so you can make your relationship stronger, instead of letting every issue break it down. It's about respect and a willingness to work it out.

She needs to also understand that just 'cause you guys are together, it doesn't mean you don't have lives and friends outside of the relationship. Your girlfriend needs her own friends or a hobby so when you want bro-time, she can keep herself busy. Really, the days of being with someone 24/7 are so ... never ago.

I'm not saying every relationship can be fight-free. That's impossible. And boring. But you can definitely try to manage them before they escalate into Lifetime Television Movie category.

Teenage Douchebag

This is a little embarrassing. I’ve been dating this guy for about 7 months, we are both in high school. We went to this party at another friend’s house last weekend. I left him and his friend to go talk to some friends and when I came back, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friend that I was a “great lay.” Truth is I’m a virgin and haven’t even done the oral stuff. Well, this didn’t take long to get around and now everyone thinks I’ve had sex with my boyfriend when I haven’t. What do I do? I feel like I should make an announcement that the rumor isn’t true but would anyone believe me?

Ah, the next generation of d-bag … Your boyfriend is a douche and the only announcement you should be making is the one that you’re breaking up with him. He tarnished the reputation of your virtuous vagina to make himself look good to his friends. You don’t need to be with a dude who does not respect you and if you let this go because you feel that you need a boyfriend to validate your existence, then you’re setting a precedent for every relationship you will have after high school. Of course, no one but your real friends will believe you if you make an announcement. But if you break up with him, when you explain to the curious that you can’t be with a guy who would lie about an experience he didn’t have with you, your story will hold more weight and eventually override the rumor. Your ex-boyfriend will learn a valuable life lesson about chicks and you will feel better about teaching it to him. If you don’t respect and stand up for yourself, why should anyone else? So, go teach that moron a lesson.

Too much ... too soon? Probably

Dear Hot Chick, I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy I met for about three weeks now. I know what you’re thinking: it can’t be serious after just two weeks. But it is. We clicked on every level of our beings and have been inseparable since. Well, he just told me that he is going to be leaving for his job soon (he’s in the ****) and that he will be gone for a while. Even if I had known this up front I don’t know if I would have not dated him, but now I’m wondering what I should do since he’s leaving. Do I keep dating him and wait for him while he’s gone? We talked about it a few times since and I’ve been getting anxiety attacks as the “date” gets closer. I need to know what I should do to make sure our relationship will work while he is gone.

Holy s%$#! There’s not much time.

Quick: Get married – RIGHT NOW. Also, make sure you are pregnant before he leaves, have him provide you with a power of attorney and make sure he adds you to his financial accounts. That might not ensure that your relationship will survive the time apart, but it will make it harder to disentangle himself from you in the event that he realizes you are completely psycho.

Look, it’s possible to really, really like someone after dating for almost a month. Everything is different, you’re noticing how much better the new guy is from your last douchebag and who doesn’t like new … “things.”
But let’s be real here.

You’re probably still recouping from your last break-up and how much you thought THAT was going to last, too. Then it didn’t and you’re realizing as you look back that you were never treated the way you should have been anyway. Here’s a new guy, with new experiences and he’s still treating you like a princess because … he wants to tap that as many times as he can before he leaves. True story, sista.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a bitter bitch who doesn’t believe in true love because I’ve been dumped one too many times.

Shit. Maybe.

But for serious, he’s leaving soon. You two haven’t been together long enough to build a more solid foundation to your ‘relationship’ other than great sex and good times. Don’t overanalyze your situation to be more than it might be to him – that’s just asking to get your feelings hurt. I think this calls for a conversation between you and the lucky bastard sometime soon about what he thinks of this relationship and where it might be going (or not going).

I’d wait at least another two weeks or so, though, so you don’t come off as too much of a possible stage five clinger. Approach it casually by asking if he sees you guys carrying the relationship through the separation. Don’t explain your feelings or how you think you guys are made for each other. Be prepared for bad news and when you hear it, don’t go bat shit crazy on him. I could be wrong, he could be just as unstable as you and you could be looking at a lifetime of blissfully ever after.
Good luck, future cat-lady.

Facebook does not make anything official

Dear Hot Chick,This is going to sound like a really immature question because I’m 25 years old but what does it mean when my boyfriend won’t post anything to my Facebook wall or put photos up of us on his page? Should I be worried about his level of commitment? Or am I looking into this too much? I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want to sound insecure.

Funny you should ask this question, because it was not long ago that I was quietly thinking the same thing about a guy I had been dating – for three years. Turns out it’s hard to keep your options open when you have photo and comment evidence online of actually having a girlfriend. We broke up. But I digress.

Facebook creates unnecessary problems in relationships. Even adults have been reduced to acting like tweenagers by subscribing to the collective thought, “it’s not official until it’s ‘Facebook official.’” What the Jesus did we all do before Facebook? Oh, right. There was MySpace where we could list our top 8 friends and Heaven forbid we should demote anyone from their rightful order … sigh …

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what this means for you. It could be nothing or it could mean he’s just not as into you as you want him to be. Or … he just doesn’t really do the Facebook thing. But if it really bothers you and you don’t want to sound like a needy, immature teen … bring it up in conversation like so:

(text him a picture of you both together)

You: So, did you like the picture I sent you? I make you look like a stud.

Him: Haha. Yeah you do. I like it.

You: You should totally put it up as your profile pic on FB.

Him: Hmmm. Okay, I will.

You: I’m serious.

Him: I said I will.

You: How do I know you will?

Him: Because I said I would, now stop nagging me.

Okay, so … maybe that’s not a good idea after all. Don’t do that. Just post photos on your page and tag him in them.

Instead of wondering why he is not publicly acknowledging you guys as an item on a social networking site, maybe you should just concentrate on the dynamics of your offline relationship. If you guys see each other, talk and spend a good amount of enjoyable time together in person, then you are way ahead of a lot of couples who over-share their business on Facebook to make up for whatever it is they are not doing offline to nurture their relationship.

The best way to deal with this situation is to not let it become an issue. Facebook does not make anything official, by the way. It just makes it so everyone knows your business - and that's not always a good thing.

Dear Hot Chick,
I have a slight crush on the barista at my favorite coffee place. Even though we flirt and talk a little when I’m at the counter ordering my coffee, I don’t know if I should ask her out. I want to, but what if she says no? Would it be awkward after that for us? Is there a way to ask her to get a guaranteed yes?

It must be so hard to be a dude sometimes. Especially a dude with feelings.

Why are you worried about getting a 'no?' You should be worried about her saying yes, because then – since you asked her out – you have to come up with a plan that will guarantee a second date.

But no pressure there …

If the magical rapport you think you both share is real, then you shouldn’t have to worry about rejection. If you’re not sure that you are imagining it because maybe you overheard her having the same connection with all of her other customers (after all, she IS in the business of customer service), then you can do what everyone else is doing now – Facebook friend and stalk the crap out of her. And try not to think that her accepting your friend request on FB means she is declaring a secret crush she may have been harboring for you all along. Some people are friend collectors or just nice. Personally, I’m not a fan of the social networking cloak of protection, but it has become a ‘safe’ way for dudes to creep for dates without fear of public rejection.

OR – and I’m just going to throw this out there – be yourself and ask her if she would like to hang out sometime? If you and some friends are planning a get together, invite her (and a friend) - it’s casual and you will get a chance to talk to her without the coffee counter barrier. You don’t know what her relationship or state of mental stability may be so you want to keep it casual just in case she’s dating a UFC wannabe or has a tendency to be a stage five clinger.

One girl - two guys ...

Dear Hot Chick: I'm kind of in between two guys at the moment and I need to choose soon. I met both on the same night and have been seeing them for a few months. I can't add either to my Facebook and they are asking questions and wanting more of my time than I have for two guys. I just don't know who to pick, they are both great guys. One is older and one is younger than me, they both have great qualities and the sex is great withg both, but I know if either finds out about the other, at this point I'm done. How do I pick? Is there a test ? What would you do?

Yes, there is a test. It's called an STD test and you can get that at the local clinic. I would not put myself in a position to look like a hooker so asking me that question won't help you. And if I did, I wouldn't admit to it in public, so it's still not a valid question.

Don't get me wrong, going on a few dates with a few different guys is not a bad thing. It can be healthy. But the minute you decide to engage in naughty time activities ... that's when you should have made your choice between one of the two. Girls that act like guys are not cute, it's not empowering and in the end, you end up looking like a who- a tool.

Honestly, I don't think you like either of them enough to be in a relationship. If you did, you wouldn't be asking me, you would have already made your choice. So ... I don't know what to tell you except to flip a coin.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Dear Hot Chick: I've been seeing this guy for two months. When we met, he said he didn't want a relationship because his job is too demanding (he's an EMT). He just wants someone he can spend time with when he has time. At first I was like, okay, and tried to keep things simple. You know, no cuddling, no overnights and no spending a lot of time together. But then he started being more affectionate and trying to spend even more time with me, even trying to get me to spend the night with him. When I asked him if he had changed his mind about being in a relationship he said no, but since we were hanging out anyway, why not enjoy it all the way? When I told him that he can't have everything and give nothing, he got mad and left. I haven't heard from him in a few days. What should I do? I have to admit that I developed some real feelings for him and was hoping that maybe he decided he wanted to be in a real relationship with me.

And this is why the friends with benefits arrangement doesn't work - unless you're both men. Because women can't turn off their emotions. As much as we try, we're just wired to feel things. The one-nighter was made for us - it's quick and there's no time to feel anything. Like pulling off a band-aid. But you only do it once - no repeaters.

So, what do you want out of this pretend relationship you have going? It's not exactly set up for a long-term pay-off. So what you should do depends on what you want. He's already told you he doesn't want a relationship and my own experience has told me that when a guy says that, he means it. Even if, one day, he decides he wants a real one, he still won't have that with you. Why not? I don't know, something about you giving him everything without a commitment.

That movie you watched with Justin and Mila? That was just a movie. Hollywood makes money off of raising expectations. Why do you think so many tweenagers don't want boyfriends? Because they are waiting for a vampire or werewolf! But I digress.

Look, bottom line is he walked out and you haven't heard from him. That's his answer to you. He laid it all out for you in the beginning when he said that he didn't want a relationship. Once those words left his mouth and you agreed to put out, he felt comfortable knowing he was covered in the event something like this should happen - and he's right. What was wrong was him expecting you to be his pretend girlfriend.

You're going to call him or text him, I'm going to advise you not to do that. You will only be feeding his ego ... and turning him off. Right now, there's a residual amount of oxytocin in your blood that's telling you that you need this guy, but you don't. Use this experience as a learning block - now you know you can't separate your heart from your vagina. Save them for someone who wants both.

Next time someone says they don't want a relationship, hear what they are really saying, "You're not good enough to be my girlfriend, but I'll still engage in naughty time with you." Remember, people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Pop the question or offer the digits?

Dear Hot Chick: Is it wrong to leave a phone number with someone without asking if she's married? Or should I have asked her what her marital status is before I left it? ~ Digit-ize-her

Hold onto that telephonic code, cowboy - at least until you've popped the question.

Since no one likes to wear their prison rings anymore, it's hard to tell if someone is contractually bound to another human being or single. There may have been a time when one glance at the ring finger would tell you that most important piece of info, but not anymore. Whether it's because they forgot it, don't like to wear it to work or the gym or because it doesn't go with their single and creeping outfit, you will find a lot of married peeps don't sport their rings.

Which makes it uber hard for those who have the balls to make a move.

I'm sure there are 'valid' reasons for falsely advertising their status, but it doesn't hurt to ask just in case. That way, if something unfortunate should happen like getting walked in on by the spouse, then you're covered under the "holy s#!$, I didn't know" protection clause - which exempts you from douchebag status.

Or, later on, when he/she is spinning a well-exaggerated story about how you are a douchebag who doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage ... well, you can call him/her out for the hooker they are because they didn't tell you.

Win.

You want to WHAT with my husband/boyfriend?

Recently, I have had a number of chicks write and ask me if it’s cool for their deployed guy to skype with another chick. I posed the question as a status update a month or so back. I was surprised at some of the answers. Of course a lot of guys said it’s cool as long as they are just friends. One girl even said it would be cool with them because they are soooo secure in their relationship.

So, now that I’ve had time to think about it, I’m going to call bullshit.

It’s definitely NOT okay no matter how secure you are in a relationship. You know why? Because if he has time to skype … he should be skyping with his girlfriend or wife … or Family members and best dude friends.

It’s also inappropriate for a single gal to proposition a skype session with a not single dude. It doesn’t matter if you are on the wife/girlfriend’s Facebook or not. Respect, ladies – respect. Especially if you haven’t met the girlfriend in person, but you just know she’s there. Put yourself in the girlfriend/wife’s shoes. How would you feel and be honest with yourself.

My guy has a few girls who are just friends. The ones I’ve met are married and have boyfriends (one of them is a best friend). I trust them because they have never mentioned to me that they want to skype with him. But they do email and keep up with him AS A FRIEND. I’m totally cool with that while he is deployed.

Skype is kind of an intimate thing when you’re in a situation like a deployment. I know what my boyfriend and I do when we are on video heaven. Not to say lines can’t be crossed with ‘chick friends’ through email/IM, and ultimately, it will be up to the person in the relationship to respect it and act accordingly. A little inside joke can lead to some under the clothes flash sessions to full on web cam girl scenarios. What guy is gonna turn that down?

The reason guys (and, let’s face it, girls do it, too) allow that to happen is because it’s not actual sex, so both parties think it’s not cheating. But listen up guys, when your girl is taking care of the homefront with her legs and House of V closed for business and collecting cobwebs for up to a year … it’s kind of like a slap in the naughty bits to find out their guy is playing online with another chick. So, guys, you should practice capping your squirt gun for the one who is working the hardest for it … your lady.

This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity. And it is most definitely cheating.

So, to back my “calling bullshit” up, I did ask five guys and five girls what they thought:

4 out of the 5 guys said:

It’s okay if it’s, like, a childhood friend.

Me:

What would your wife/girlfriend think about that?

Guys:

Well, we both have friends of the opposite sex and she knows I love her and it’s just a – F%$#, she wouldn’t be down with that.

Only ONE out of the five guys:

I wouldn’t do it, personally, but I can see where there are guys who would. I know if my girlfriend or wife were doing the same I wouldn’t like it either.

EVERY single Gal except one:

Oh, hell to tha nah! If my man is going to be skyping anyone, he’s going to skype with me. The only other girls are his mom, sister and some other family. Not cousins, though. There’s a thin line on what’s acceptable in some parts of the country when it comes to cousins, what with differing degrees of distance in the bloodline.

By the way, this works both ways. Ladies, it’s not cool to skype one of your single dude friends while your man is deployed. Because as my boyfriend once told me:

Guys don’t have single chicks as ‘just’ friends. They’ve either had sex with them before or they want to have sex with them or they are still having sex with them or they want them to send naked pictures. That’s it.

(I do think there’s an exception to the rule, but exploring that option is best for when you and your significant other are both in the same zipcode and country.)

'Ex' Factor

My boyfriend of six months wants to meet his ex-girlfriend for drinks. They dated sometime back, but from what he tells me, they broke up because she cheated on him. They didn’t stay friends, she just popped back up in his life. She also recently befriended me and then unfriended me on Facebook which I found to be weird. I’m not comfortable with this at all. I don’t want to come across as insecure in the relationship, but I don’t really see why he wants to meet up with her – and if it’s just a few drinks, why not invite me?

If I know shady women – and I do – I’d say her plan is to make a play for your man. Stalking you on Facebook was her way of checking out what she is up against. I wouldn’t worry about her too much because you have one main advantage over her – you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. Men typically don't like to share girls they are in a relationship with.

Honestly, I don’t understand this wanting to meet up with an ex (whom you have not remained friends with) thing. There’s no reason unless you share kids, property, pets or … have unresolved feelings. And drinks? Why not coffee or something less like a date? He’s going for one of three reasons: 1) He wants to see her to let her make that play so he can turn it down, 2) he wants to see if he still feels anything for her or 3) he’s trying to hit that. Either way, having you around would be counterproductive, so you weren't invited.

All you can do is voice your concerns and let him know that you trust him. Then, cheerfully announce that an ex of yours has been asking you to meet up for drinks as well and that you will set that up for the same night he is out with his ex. If your relationship means anything at all to him, he will immediately understand how you are feeling and either cancel his ‘date’ or invite you along. Sound like a game? Well, sometimes you have to play. Because selfish people don’t understand how others view their behavior until they are faced with the same situation.

You can’t tell him not to go, but you don’t have to grin and bear it either. It’s incredibly inconsiderate of your feelings that he wants to go without you, but at least he told you. That says he has some respect for your relationship. Now you just have to decide whether it’s really okay with you or not.

Remember, when people are happy in a relationship, they don’t entertain checking in with their exes over drinks of any kind without their current with them. I’m in a rare, light-hearted mood and so refrained from verbally kicking your man and the ex-slut in the teeth for being douchebags.

Hope it all works out for you.