Man stealer

Q: So, I saw this hot guy walk into a bar a few weeks ago with a really pretty girl that I guess was his girlfriend. I saw him out once after with a bunch of guys without his girlfriend but he left the place we were at before I could talk to him. Is there a technique to get a guy to break up with his girlfriend? I so want him.

A: Quit being a whore and find your own man. Seriously. You’re the kind of girl that will probably get to have sex with a lot of guys that will never belong to you because of your lack of respect for another girl’s man and yourself. Guys like pretty girls and the thrill of the chase, but most of them will lose interest after they get to sample the goods and they realize that it wasn’t worth the trade.

There are a ton of hot single guys out there but I understand that being a homewrecker is sexy to people like you, douchebags, a certain A-list actress and a certain country singing sweetheart turned Lifetime movie actress. You won’t find any tips and tricks here on how to break up a happy couple. Why don’t you eat your own dinner and stop staring at everyone else’s plate?

When a good guy goes Emo

Q: My girlfriend broke up with me last week. This is the girl that I wanted to marry. We dated for over a year. It hasn’t been a week and she is already seeing another guy. She goes to all the same places we used to go to and it hurts to see she moved on so fast like she didn’t even care about what we had. She won’t return my calls or texts when I’ve tried to explain it to her. My friends said I should find another girl cause that will make me forget my ex. I just want her back.

A: Dude.

(blink, blink)

Dude, that's so emo. Quit stalking your ex and find a hobby or work project to focus on for a few weeks. You got dumped, it happens. Your friends may have something with the rebound chick idea, but no girl wants to be that girl and I don’t really advocate it. What is a rebound for you might be true love for them and it could turn into a stalker situation. Which might be a good thing because then you will know what how your ex feels about your phone calls and texts.

So, go find your man parts, reattach them to your genital area and forget about your ex girlfriend. She obviously forgot about you, why would you want her back? Especially after she’s had another guy in her bed, among other places. It’s time to move on, son. With any luck, her new boyfriend will turn out to be a real a**hole and you will find the girl of your dreams. Then you can rub it in her face.

Women: Masters of Confusion

Q: My relationship with my girlfriend has been a little rocky since she caught me making out with another girl on a drunk night out. She said she can't trust me and wants to know where I am all the time and who I'm calling or texting. The other day she said we were done and walked out after arguing over a girl who hugged me cause she found out I used to date her.Then, she sends me a text ten minutes after leaving telling me she misses me and doesn't want to break up but she had to do it. I don't get it. If she didn't want to break up, why did she break up then send a text telling me she didn't want to break up? I'm confused.

A: Of course you're confused. You didn't read between the lines, my friend. When a girl says, "We're done" and heads for the door, that's your cue to stop her from leaving. Why? Because she wants to know that you don't want to break up with her, that she means more to you than that other girl and that she can manipulate you into begging her to stay. All your chick wanted was for you to act like you cared whether she stayed or left. It's a stupid game, but if you had played it right, you could have had awesome make-up sex.


Some other words and phrases to watch out for:


"Are you really going out with the guys?" = "You're not really going out with the guys when you can spend time with me? Unless I'm invited."

"Do you have any plans this weekend?" = "I expect that we are hanging out this weekend."

"I'm fine." = "I'm pissed at you and you know why but in case you don't, I'm not going to tell you, I'm just going to stew until I burst unless you figure it out and apologize to me without me having to spell it outfor you, we've been together long enough that you should know how to read my mind by now."

"I'm going to have coffee with a friend." = "I'm having coffee with a guy friend or an ex-boyfriend but I'm not going to be specific because I don't want you to think it's okay for you to do the same."

I could go on, but it's a really, really long list.

Making of a Stalker

Q: I kinda met this girl who just move in my apartment building. I helped her carry some boxes that were too heavy and we ended up ordering pizza and hanging out all night talking. She had just moved to my city for work and didn’t know anyone. We exchanged numbers before I left and made plans to hang out soon. I text her the next day and asked when she wanted to get together. I didn’t hear back. I texted her a few more times over the next few days. Still haven’t heard back. It’s been a week. Why didn’t she text me back? Should I call her or go knock on her door? Did I do something wrong?

A: She’s blowing you off, moron. You should have taken the hint after the second time she didn’t respond to your text messaging. There’s a certain amount of texting that’s acceptable before you fall into the category of a stalker/clinger. And how do you 'kinda' meet someone? Is that like, you guys talked but never formally exchanged names? You either did, or you didn't 'meet.' I'm gonna say you did, especially if you shared a meal.

It’s hard to know exactly why she’s avoiding you. Women are complicated creatures. If we had to be honest, we’d tell you that we don’t really know why we do things like have pizza with strange men, talk to them for too many hours and then give them our number knowing we have no desire to hear from, call, talk to, text or hang out with them again. Ever. I was notorious for doing this and not just to dudes. Truth is, I couldn’t juggle that many text messages, friend requests or social outings. So … I ignored them and hoped they’d go away. Yeah, girls can be the bad guy, too.

However, if I had to think like a new-girl-in-town for a minute, I would say that maybe she is busy with her job and getting settled so, that leaves little time and energy at the end of the day for social activities – like entertaining a half assed promise to hang out with a pushy boy. Especially one that text – stalked her phone for a week with no response. Creepy. So knock it off.

It’s too late for you to call or show up at her door without creating an extremely awkward situation that will secure you a spot on the neighborhood watch creeper alert list. You think you may have shared a moment over several hours one evening, but it’s probably more that you over-stayed your welcome and she was too nice to kick you out. So, leave her alone and let her make the next move, if she’s interested. You’ve already made too many wasted attempts thru cellular contact to come back from and if there’s a chance at all at redeeming yourself, not stalking her would be it.

Bro Creeping?

Q: Dear Hot Chick, I am a hot guy. I have a job, great style and an expensive car. I even have a girlfriend. But, my girlfriend is very jealous and doesn’t like it when I go out and do things without her like boys’ night out. She accuses me of wanting to flirt and find another girlfriend and she even checks my phone when she thinks I’m not paying attention. I love her, but I like to hang out with my guy friends and do guy things sometimes like go out to the bar and drink. How do I get her to trust me? I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

A: Dear Hot Guy, I don’t understand the need for you to add the fact that you’re hot, have a job and a flashy ride, unless you’re trying to impress me (quoting 90s Shania, “that don’t impress me much”). I understand why your girlfriend doesn’t trust you. It’s clear to me that you like to peacock and that’s hard to do when you’re girlfriend is around. In case other chicks happen to notice you in the sea of other Ed Hardy/Affliction blinging studs on boys night out, you would like the freedom to see if you are still marketable in the event your relationship doesn’t work out or something better comes along – hence the choice of venue. Typical.

Every guy looks at other girls. Some even fantasize about what it would be like with another girl. Does the grass look greener? Of course it does, because you haven’t stepped in the manure yet – and there’s crap in every lawn. You just have to figure out if you want a new pile of it to deal with or stay with the load you’ve already figured out. You can be assured that your girlfriend has probably come to the realization that you are full of it, yet she is still around. Whether she loves you or just doesn’t like to lose, either way, you have something you might miss if you screw it up.

How can you get her to trust you? Assuming you aren’t creeping, ask her what would make her feel better aside from you staying in every night. Let her know that you like a little male bonding with your bros, but don’t want to argue about it all the time. Honestly, couples really do need lives outside of each other. Suggest she have girls’ night on boys’ night and meet up after for the rest of the night. Relationships won’t work without trust. If she’s not just a psycho, stage five clinger, you making an attempt at communicating with her about her emotional need to know that you’re not creeping will win you naughty time – and bro time – points.

However, if she’s right about the reasons you don’t want her around, be a jerk and dump her now so she can find someone she can p-whip.

My psycho Valentine

Q: My ex-girlfriend and I have been broken up for about six months and we agreed to stay friends. She would still send me pictures and sext messages but I never told her not to because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Recently, I just started seeing another girl that I like a lot. But, my ex girlfriend won’t stop texting and calling (even though I am not returning them) and I just got a Valentine’s Day package in the mail from her. After six months, I figure she would move on. It’s hard to explain to my new girlfriend why my ex still tries to contact me, let alone mails me packages. What do I do?

A: Well, you can start by being honest with yourself and admitting you like the attention because if you didn’t, you never would have said you both could ‘be friends.’ How many times did you return any of your ex’s sexts out of sheer boredom? Everyone does it, however, in some cases you can give the wrong impression. Which means, she probably thinks there’s still something special between you besides fun, meaningless, sex-a-phonic communication; therefore, justifying her hold on the long since dead corpse of your relationship. Classic relationship necrophilia – it’s not pretty on anyone.

My guess is that you haven’t been straight with her about your feelings, the break up or that you’re now hooked up with a new chick. Everyone likes a back-up plan in case plan A doesn’t pan out, right? That’s not fair to your ex or your future ex(es). New chick isn’t going to put up with you stringing your ex along (which is what you’re doing) and your ex will only get more persistent over time, eventually causing bigger, more difficult to hide situations not only in this relationship but future ones, too. No one likes a crazy ex. Don’t you watch Lifetime Television for Women?

Seriously, if you really want to get rid of Ms. Valentine, you will have to re-break up with her and tell her why – now. Valentine’s Day is a crappy time to do it, but there’s no time like the present. Speaking of which, you will want to send any packages back, unopened, or you will look like more of a douchebag than you have been. Be prepared for an Academy Award-worthy performance of tears, angry accusations and, finally, the eery and creepy vow that you will “get yours.”

The good news is that once this is done, you may have a few follow-up texts, phone calls and e-mails from the ex, but if you stand your ground, those will disappear into the past and so will your ex. Good luck with all your future exes.

Dating Fail

Q: I’m a 34 year old, pretty okay looking, successful guy that has had not so much success with dating. The girls I meet seem to turn into stage five clingers and, after I break up with them, stalkers. I decided to try online dating and the girls on there that I’m interested in don’t wink or poke me back. Now, I have a Facebook but it’s not like MySpace where I can search for girls in the same area, I can only look at mutual friends and friends of friends – it’s all about the friends and people I know. I want to find a girl who can have her own life, not expect to get married and still be available to hang out with me when I don’t have plans with my friends. Where can I find a girl like that?

A: I’m willing to bet dating hasn’t been working out for you because you’re not really looking for a relationship, just a convenient, long (or short) term hook-up. Your best bet is adultfriendfinder dot com. You don’t even need a picture of your face, just your naughty bits. It’s like a personals ad for friends with benefits with many available single and group options. No one will be looking for a ring, for their finger anyway, and everyone is there for the same reason you are: booty. It really is a win-win.

Most of the chicks on those dating sites are going to be looking for a long-term relationship. If they are not winking, poking or writing you back, it’s because there’s something in your profile that screams, ‘waste of time!’ You, my friend, are looking for a booty call, not even a friend with benefits. So, looking for booty on a site where every chick is looking for a love connection is counterproductive.

I’m gonna tell you it’s a little weird that you’re 34 years old and creeping the social networks for chicks. Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people who have met in person, continued their flirtship via the social network scene and have gone on to become a couple. But there just seems to be an element of ‘creeper’ for a grown ass man to be trolling the pages of Facebook and MySpace for a hook up. You might ask what’s the difference between that and a dating site? Well, you probably won’t find too many tweens and teens on the latter. Get where I’m going with this?

Try the Tucker Max theory of honesty: tell chicks straight up what you’re in it for. It seems to work for him, he was able to write two books about all the ass he was getting.