Nothing means something but just not anything

My girlfriend says she doesn't want anything for her birthday. What is she getting at? Should I just get something small and not make a big deal about it? Or do I not get her anything at all?

That depends: how much longer do you want to date this girl? 

See, girls will always say they don't want anything for birthdays and holidays, but that doesn't mean they don't want anything. Confused? 

You should be. 

Example: when I say I don't want anything, what I mean is that I don't want an expensive gift or a fancy dinner. I want a card with a handwritten message inside, 24 hours of sweet words text to my phone and access to the remote for one evening so I don't have to DVR my shows. It’s the little things that show you care, but that take actual thought and work. 

So, it's simple. What she means is that she doesn't want anything that means nothing, she wants it to mean something. Get it? 

Of course not ... just get her something shiny, that always works. A good rule of thumb is to stay away from domestic items and gym memberships. Good luck and happy birthday to your girlfriend.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Permission to be a douche ... ?

I'm a guy in my late 20s and I'm in a really good relationship with a great girl. We've been together for about five years and things are good. Now that we've lived together for over a year, we're talking about getting married. Things couldn't be any better. But I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake by settling down so soon. I'm not even 30 yet. The more I think about things, I wonder if I'd be happier in an open relationship or in another relationship. At the same time, I know I don't want to lose her. So, I guess my question is, would it be okay for me to cheat on my girlfriend to make sure that I'm ready to get married? It wouldn't be an affair-type thing, it would be more of a one night stand - something to prove to myself that I don't want to be with any other woman than my girlfriend. I'm thinking about telling my girlfriend this, but I'm afraid she won't trust me anymore. 

Haha, you're considering telling your girlfriend you want to cheat on her to prove to yourself that you can be with her "til death do you part?" Death may come sooner than you think ...

As a girl who has been in your soon-to-be-ex's high heels, I can tell you she won't react sympathetically to your dilemma, nor will she respond favorably to your selfish idea of a solution. The fact that you are only looking at a one night stand leads me to believe you have met someone you are curious about and think the only way to figure out if it's her or your girlfriend you want to be with is to sample the goods. Unless you are looking at a string of one night stands ... ?

Most guys, who are not total tools, would recognize that getting some strange won't get them anything in this situation except dumped - and possibly an STD should you choose to not arm yourself with protection. You know, herpes is forever -  like diamonds, only not as desirable.

Remember, there will always be other people out there you will be attracted to, who interest you on certain levels and who may seem like a better fit. But think about what you have at home and decide if it's worth giving up 'perfect,' for an idea of what another person could be like. The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it.

If you're having these thoughts, you don't have any business being in a long-term relationship or even considering marriage. I do think you should talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling before you take the plunge into a commitment you may not be as ready for as you thought. Because if you were serious about the future of your relationship, you would realize that couple's therapy would be a more mature and responsible solution to this issue.

As for how you're lady will take the news ... she's either going to go bat-shit crazy on yo' ass or or she will want the same opportunity to figure out if you will keep her satisfied and happy for eternity - or if there might be someone out there who won't second guess her worth.

Oh, the answer to your question, would it be okay to cheat to make sure you can be faithful? It's never okay to cheat. Ever.

Ixnay on the exes ... eh?

The other day I was using my boyfriend’s computer and I found something I am not sure I should worry about. When I was typing the address to Facebook, it automatically filled in the address to his ex’s Facebook page. When I checked his history, I saw he had been looking up all his old exes. Me and him have only been dating for two years. Is this a sign he is still thinking about them? Do I say something to him? I really love him and if there’s a problem I want to address it. 

Only two years? You say that like it’s a short time. That’s actually a marathon run in today’s society of superficially short relationships.

You can’t tell me you’ve never looked up an ex (or two) to see what they’ve been up to. That’s what Facebook and social networking is for! Everyone gets curious and tries to see if the other person did better or worse – especially if it was a nasty break-up. I’ve done it and, to be honest, it wasn’t even because I cared it, was because I was bored.

If he was only looking up one and there were numerous Google searches for the same person, I’d say maybe there would be something to worry about. Most guys (and some girls) tend to fantasize an old relationship when they feel their current one is going sour. They don’t remember important facts about the past like:

He was a selfish douche

She was a materialistic, pre-menstrual, monstah-bitch

He dumped her harshly

She cheated on him

If he searched them, then, yeah, he’s still thinking about them. In what way?  You won’t know unless you ask him. Since you had permission to use his computer (you did get the ok, right?) then you can legitimately bring it up. But don’t do it in a bitchy way using an accusatory tone, don’t bring it up right after naughty time and not while you guys are having a great time. That makes you the buzzkill.

Maybe you can set him up to expect a talk by sending him a text saying you’d like to talk to him about something when he gets home from work (if he has a job). 

Too many people overlook things they are bothered by to keep the peace in a relationship and before they know it, resentment builds into an erupting volcano of a nasty, screaming break-up.

No means no, even for dudes

I had been talking to this guy and we flirted around about sex. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything like that until we were in a relationship. He said he understood and things seemed to be going really good. so we had sex one day and I thought we were in a relationship but when I asked him, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Okay, fine. I quit talking to him. About a week ago, he starts texting me like nothing happened, but I won’t talk to him. Is that wrong? Or should I try it again with him? Why is he acting like nothing’s wrong?

Oh, honey, where do I start?

Why is he acting like nothing is wrong? He wants to get in your pants - again. It’s THAT obvious. Are you that desperately single  you can’t see when a dude’s trying to play you? He must be one hot piece of mancandy, for you to be this confused.

Unless he specifically told you that he was mulling over the idea of being your boyfriend before you had sex, this is your fault. You lowered your standards thinking you might sex this guy into a commitment and it didn’t work.  So, he didn’t really do anything wrong and feels his chances of getting to your cookie again are pretty good – since it was so easy the first time.

Give him another shot?  – you will probably do it anyway. Shoot, maybe if you consent to some casual sex over an extended period of time, pretend you don’t care about your relationship requirement and play his game, maybe you will win his relationship lottery. Oh, you didn’t know? You’re probably not the only girl he’s talking shit to, he has at least two more and they are onto his game right now. His back up plan is you, sweetheart.

Grow a pair and stick to your standards. If he was worth your time, you would not be in this situation at all.

Talk to me, baby

I have one for you: let's say you have a boyfriend. Let's say you guys have been together for almost two years. Let's say that boyfriend has girls that are his friends. Then let's say that he talks to those girls more than he talks to you and by the time you get to spend any time with him, he has nothing to share with you because he already shared it with all those other girl 'friends.' This is a recent thing, too. It pisses me off and he doesn't understand why. I can't even put it into words why because I don't even care that he has girls that are friends it just makes me mad. Everytime I bring it up, we fight about it. Can you help me out here? I want to know how I can put this into words that will make him understand.

You're pissed because you feel that he's sharing his life with these other chicks instead of with you - the person who has been there and put in the work for your relationship. You feel disrespected because he doesn't consider your feelings AND I think that he is causing you to feel insecure about where you stand in the relationship. I get it. Girl stuff.

Sweetheart, he will never understand. Know why?

Because he is a selfish f*&%ing bastard that knows he can get away with making you just an option in his life since you have been letting him get away with it for this long (however long 'this long is,' is too long).

My boyfriend told me a long time ago that guys don't have girls as friends. There are only girls they are having sex with, girls they've had sex with and girls they want to have sex with. His honesty is unrivaled when it comes to the business of the vagina, so I consider him a subject matter expert.

My immediate advice would be to quit that douche, you can do better. But you won't. Your self-esteem is so low right now because of how he's treating you that you can't realize your own self worth. I'm not going to tell you that you're a beautiful girl with a great personality and can do better because I don't know what you're really like - for all I know you could be a busted, stage five clinger looking for a way to 'Misery' the shit out of your boyfriend. I'm not going to be an accomplice to that.

What I am going to tell you is this: it's been my experience that when someone chooses to argue with you over an issue like this instead of trying to understand your feelings and work towards a solution/compromise - there's something more going on than he's letting on.

You could dump his douchey ass. Time apart might put things in perspective for you both. He might realize what a douche he's been and come around, but by that time you will have realized that you can do much better. Talk about winning ... getting yourself back is the best thing for you right now.

And not that any other guy will be a prince, every relationship has issues, but maybe you will find a guy who wants to be with you enough that he will make you and your feelings a priority.