Anatomy of a douche

I’m a decent looking, single, employed and all around nice guy. I don’t have a problem getting hot girls, but have a problem keeping them. I’ve been told I was too nice and girls don’t like that. They like guys who treat them like s***. All the girls I dated are now with douches. How can I transform into a douchebag and how long do I have to keep it up to get a girl to stay with me?

Hahahahahahahaha.

If you have to ask, you have no chance at being one. You either have it, or you don’t.

Seriously, I don’t know who you are or if this is a real concern, but … I’ll bite. 

Here are a few things you can do to give yourself the appearance of being a douche:

• Pop multiple collars – how many collars denotes how big of a douche you are

•  Wear a Bluetooth – EVERYWHERE – it’s a sign of self-importance

• Take tons of pics at ‘da club’ with different girls and post them to Facebook

•  Get your tan on and go as orange as you can
• 
  
• Get a GYM MEMBERSHIP, work out your upper body ONLY

•  Drive an obnoxiously large and flashy vehicle that you can NOT afford

• Talk about yourself – A LOT – chicks dig guys who are confident …

• Cheat – A LOT – girls want what other girls have all the time

•   Got a cell phone? Make sure you are always on it

• Peacock for no reason everywhere you go and call it having SWAG

•  Wear sweatbands and headbands even when you are nowhere near a gym

•  Hair should be spiked like a grenade full of gel went off on your head

•  Shop at Hollister/Abercrombie/American Eagle

•  Sandals and flip-flops – get a lot of them

•  Chain and crucifix necklaces – own them

• Learn to talk like a BRO – refer to your friends as Bro, Dude and overuse the word Yo

•  Affliction – BUY IT

• Wear sunglasses at night – because you can

• Leave tag on said sunglasses

• DO NOT wear t-shirts - unless it’s a v-neck

• Sleeveless Ts – get some

•  Flat billed caps … for the days you don’t wanna gel the hair but still keep your douche style in check

• Talk about your gym routine as if people care – all the time

• Only drink cheap beer, vodka and tequila

•  Compliment other dudes on how ripped they look

•  Pre-ripped jeans – get some

• Replace your geeked-out FB profile pic with a pic of you shirtless – throwing up the ‘shocker’ next to a bunch of ‘hot bitches’

•  Your shirts should be so tight, they look painted on

• Hashtags – you need at least 20 of them on any post you make on FB or Instagram

•  Get an Instagram and update it with pics of yourself and what you are doing every half hour … with no less than 20 hashtags

•  Do not plan your dates earlier than 10 p.m.

I had to stop myself. Seems I know a lot about what makes a douche and it’s a little scary. Any one of these on their own doesn’t make a douche, but combine ALL of them and you are one gigantic toolbag. BUT, you have to believe it to sell it or these hot chicks will see right through the façade and you will fail. So, practice, practice, practice - because you will have to keep this up forever once you commit. 

Or ….

Just be yourself. The girls who are leaving you for tools will look back after getting douchebagged one too many times and wish they had stuck with the nice guy. By then, you will have found yourself a nice girl who appreciates a guy who hasn’t convinced himself he is God’s gift to every woman on Earth.