Dear a**hole ...

I just me this girl and I like her a lot. The last two weeks spent with her have been awesome. She’s cute, funny and laid back. We don’t argue and she’s just a lot of fun. This could probably be the girl I’ve been waiting for. The problem is my girlfriend. I don’t know how to break up with her without looking like an asshole. I love her and we work well together, but things have been tense between us the last two weeks, which tells me for sure that we don’t need to be together. Is there a way to end things with her so that it doesn’t get ugly? I’d like us to still be friends just in case because we have a long history. Plus, we share an apartment and I don’t want her to cause trouble when I bring my new girl around.

Dear asshole, Maybe you should break things off with your dick for a while so you can see how much of a moronic douchebag you are being. Sincerely, Me.

Seriously, you’ve known this other girl for two weeks and you think she’s perfect? Hell, everyone’s perfect in the three month grace period of a budding relationship. Let me assure you that any annoying trait your girlfriend exhibits is inherent in ALL women – little bits will come out the longer you are with someone. And that tenseness you feel between you and your girlfriend is her ‘Spidey’ sense (intuition) telling her that she’s about to get blindsided. Women are not stupid. We just pretend we are to avoid being hurt by a truth. Trust me, she already knows what’s going on, she’s just hoping to be proven wrong.

Also, your diabolical plan to continue cohabitating with your soon to be ex and bringing home your new female hobby(ies) … will probably get you (and her/them) cut. That you would even think for a second you will still be living in the same apartment with your soon-to- be ex is proof of your mental instability. You should start looking for a new place to stay – perhaps your new girl feels the same connection that you do and will be eager to have you move in? After two weeks, I’m sure the bond you’ve both created is strong enough to last a lifetime or at least until you find another ‘one.’

Maybe your current girlfriend isn’t for you, but that doesn’t give you reason to creep until you can figure out a way to have your cake and eat it too. Cause it sounds like you’re not sure this new piece you found is better than what you already have and you want to keep both around “just in case.” Typical. So, think about it when you’re not influenced by an erection. And never, ever – under any circumstances – suggest you stay friends. It’s not going to happen.