My boyfriend of over three years has been deployed for a few months and already we are having communication problems. I’m not talking about the phones or Internet not working right. Sometimes I just won’t hear from him for days and when I do it’s either a short email, a short phone call or we instant message for a quick second. It leaves me feeling like he doesn’t want to talk to me and that I’ll be waiting for nothing. As I write this, I haven’t heard from him in two days but I’ve talked to his friends who have all heard from him just today! He’s going to be gone for quite a few more months and I’m not sure how to talk to him about this without sounding needy when I should appreciate the times we do get to talk. It’s the first deployment since we’ve been together. This is also the first military boyfriend I’ve had since I’ve lived in Fayetteville. Do you have any sane advice for this situation?
Oh, boy. I was hesitant to answer your question because, for one, my own boyfriend is away on a government-sponsored trip out of the country and two – seriously - who hasn’t had this issue in this situation at some point during a deployment? Especially the first one.
In the past, I probably would have told you to respect what you need and feel is reasonable in a situation like this concerning how much your boyfriend talks to you while he’s gone. Because you know if he’s not hitting you up, he’s definitely crawling up someone else’s ass. That’s the only reason boyfriends (men in general) aren’t in consistent contact with their girlfriends. But, because of the nature of his job, you have to consider a few things.
Work: he really is working. Maybe he isn’t doing super important stuff, but you can bet your ass he’s been tasked to do some retard detail and that doesn’t put him in the best mood.
Tired: his days are a lot longer and more inconsistent than yours, especially while deployed. It’s like they don’t believe in clocks over there.
Nothing to talk about: this shouldn’t be a surprise. Most men don’t have a lot to talk about or don’t have much they are allowed to talk about. They do the same stuff everyday and aren’t creative enough to dress it up for conversation. That’s what women are good at.
Reality: as a girl, I know how chicks gauge an acceptable length for all calls, emails, texts and IM conversations – it’s unreasonable by male standards. You also have to consider that his friends may have just gotten his emails “today” even if your boyfriend sent them a few days ago -when he was actually last online.
But while I seem to be doing a good job of making excuses for your man, I can’t give you any real advice. I can tell you that no matter how you try to present this issue to your boyfriend, in the end he’s a man, and will only hear, “wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” Because in the scope of his super long days, the last thing he wants to know is that there is yet one more person who isn’t pleased with what he is doing or that he isn’t doing enough. That’s not to say you should ignore your feelings for his, but if things are really as you say they are and you have to ask for what you should be getting without question, what’s it really worth in the end?
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