Pop the question or offer the digits?

Dear Hot Chick: Is it wrong to leave a phone number with someone without asking if she's married? Or should I have asked her what her marital status is before I left it? ~ Digit-ize-her

Hold onto that telephonic code, cowboy - at least until you've popped the question.

Since no one likes to wear their prison rings anymore, it's hard to tell if someone is contractually bound to another human being or single. There may have been a time when one glance at the ring finger would tell you that most important piece of info, but not anymore. Whether it's because they forgot it, don't like to wear it to work or the gym or because it doesn't go with their single and creeping outfit, you will find a lot of married peeps don't sport their rings.

Which makes it uber hard for those who have the balls to make a move.

I'm sure there are 'valid' reasons for falsely advertising their status, but it doesn't hurt to ask just in case. That way, if something unfortunate should happen like getting walked in on by the spouse, then you're covered under the "holy s#!$, I didn't know" protection clause - which exempts you from douchebag status.

Or, later on, when he/she is spinning a well-exaggerated story about how you are a douchebag who doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage ... well, you can call him/her out for the hooker they are because they didn't tell you.

Win.

You want to WHAT with my husband/boyfriend?

Recently, I have had a number of chicks write and ask me if it’s cool for their deployed guy to skype with another chick. I posed the question as a status update a month or so back. I was surprised at some of the answers. Of course a lot of guys said it’s cool as long as they are just friends. One girl even said it would be cool with them because they are soooo secure in their relationship.

So, now that I’ve had time to think about it, I’m going to call bullshit.

It’s definitely NOT okay no matter how secure you are in a relationship. You know why? Because if he has time to skype … he should be skyping with his girlfriend or wife … or Family members and best dude friends.

It’s also inappropriate for a single gal to proposition a skype session with a not single dude. It doesn’t matter if you are on the wife/girlfriend’s Facebook or not. Respect, ladies – respect. Especially if you haven’t met the girlfriend in person, but you just know she’s there. Put yourself in the girlfriend/wife’s shoes. How would you feel and be honest with yourself.

My guy has a few girls who are just friends. The ones I’ve met are married and have boyfriends (one of them is a best friend). I trust them because they have never mentioned to me that they want to skype with him. But they do email and keep up with him AS A FRIEND. I’m totally cool with that while he is deployed.

Skype is kind of an intimate thing when you’re in a situation like a deployment. I know what my boyfriend and I do when we are on video heaven. Not to say lines can’t be crossed with ‘chick friends’ through email/IM, and ultimately, it will be up to the person in the relationship to respect it and act accordingly. A little inside joke can lead to some under the clothes flash sessions to full on web cam girl scenarios. What guy is gonna turn that down?

The reason guys (and, let’s face it, girls do it, too) allow that to happen is because it’s not actual sex, so both parties think it’s not cheating. But listen up guys, when your girl is taking care of the homefront with her legs and House of V closed for business and collecting cobwebs for up to a year … it’s kind of like a slap in the naughty bits to find out their guy is playing online with another chick. So, guys, you should practice capping your squirt gun for the one who is working the hardest for it … your lady.

This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity. And it is most definitely cheating.

So, to back my “calling bullshit” up, I did ask five guys and five girls what they thought:

4 out of the 5 guys said:

It’s okay if it’s, like, a childhood friend.

Me:

What would your wife/girlfriend think about that?

Guys:

Well, we both have friends of the opposite sex and she knows I love her and it’s just a – F%$#, she wouldn’t be down with that.

Only ONE out of the five guys:

I wouldn’t do it, personally, but I can see where there are guys who would. I know if my girlfriend or wife were doing the same I wouldn’t like it either.

EVERY single Gal except one:

Oh, hell to tha nah! If my man is going to be skyping anyone, he’s going to skype with me. The only other girls are his mom, sister and some other family. Not cousins, though. There’s a thin line on what’s acceptable in some parts of the country when it comes to cousins, what with differing degrees of distance in the bloodline.

By the way, this works both ways. Ladies, it’s not cool to skype one of your single dude friends while your man is deployed. Because as my boyfriend once told me:

Guys don’t have single chicks as ‘just’ friends. They’ve either had sex with them before or they want to have sex with them or they are still having sex with them or they want them to send naked pictures. That’s it.

(I do think there’s an exception to the rule, but exploring that option is best for when you and your significant other are both in the same zipcode and country.)

'Ex' Factor

My boyfriend of six months wants to meet his ex-girlfriend for drinks. They dated sometime back, but from what he tells me, they broke up because she cheated on him. They didn’t stay friends, she just popped back up in his life. She also recently befriended me and then unfriended me on Facebook which I found to be weird. I’m not comfortable with this at all. I don’t want to come across as insecure in the relationship, but I don’t really see why he wants to meet up with her – and if it’s just a few drinks, why not invite me?

If I know shady women – and I do – I’d say her plan is to make a play for your man. Stalking you on Facebook was her way of checking out what she is up against. I wouldn’t worry about her too much because you have one main advantage over her – you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. Men typically don't like to share girls they are in a relationship with.

Honestly, I don’t understand this wanting to meet up with an ex (whom you have not remained friends with) thing. There’s no reason unless you share kids, property, pets or … have unresolved feelings. And drinks? Why not coffee or something less like a date? He’s going for one of three reasons: 1) He wants to see her to let her make that play so he can turn it down, 2) he wants to see if he still feels anything for her or 3) he’s trying to hit that. Either way, having you around would be counterproductive, so you weren't invited.

All you can do is voice your concerns and let him know that you trust him. Then, cheerfully announce that an ex of yours has been asking you to meet up for drinks as well and that you will set that up for the same night he is out with his ex. If your relationship means anything at all to him, he will immediately understand how you are feeling and either cancel his ‘date’ or invite you along. Sound like a game? Well, sometimes you have to play. Because selfish people don’t understand how others view their behavior until they are faced with the same situation.

You can’t tell him not to go, but you don’t have to grin and bear it either. It’s incredibly inconsiderate of your feelings that he wants to go without you, but at least he told you. That says he has some respect for your relationship. Now you just have to decide whether it’s really okay with you or not.

Remember, when people are happy in a relationship, they don’t entertain checking in with their exes over drinks of any kind without their current with them. I’m in a rare, light-hearted mood and so refrained from verbally kicking your man and the ex-slut in the teeth for being douchebags.

Hope it all works out for you.

Over-inflated egos are not hot

Why do hot girls end up with fugly guys? Is it a low self-esteem thing? I don’t get it. I only date hot girls, if they don’t measure up, then I don’t waste my time. But 9 times out of 10, after we break up, they end up with some out of shape gaming dork. It’s like trading down. What’s that say about our relationship and me?

Ha! You really want me to answer that? Okay, I will.

That says you are a moron with an over-inflated ego. You are the guy who owns shirts that are two sizes too small, five different kinds of hair care products used to spike a receding hairline and the jumbo bottle of cheap cologne used to mask the douchebag stench emanating from your pores – or add to it. Chicks are definitely drawn to guys like you. You look pretty on the outside, but there’s no substance on the inside.

To answer your first question: what’s your definition of ‘fugly?’ If it’s a nice guy who knows how to treat a girl and appreciates the little things and shows genuine care, feeling and commitment to a relationship – then you might be able to see why girls would be attracted to that after dating a shallow Hal like you. So he may not be made of muscles, have an awesome tan or have a chiseled jaw line, but he can appreciate what you didn’t. Or maybe he has a large bankroll – some chicks like that more than physical appearance. Smart guys know how to make money and don’t spend it on overpriced, blinged out shirts and bedazzled jeans.

There’s nothing unattractive about gaming geeks. As a matter of fact, chicks dig ‘em. These guys watched so much porn that by the time they started having real sex, they knew a thing or two about how to work it. It’s not all about looks. If it was, we’d all be alone because the person we pick for ourselves would no doubt be looking for someone even better looking. It comes down to the little things like enjoying someone’s company, making each other laugh and a mutual desire to make each other happy.

So, slow your roll, asshole, and instead of hating, try learning a thing or two from guys who are picking up where you left off. There’s nothing wrong with being muscular and well-groomed – but if you added some brains and genuine personality into that equation, you’ll be a quadruple threat – chicks would want you and other guys would want to be you.

No one likes a free-boober

My question for you is, how do you tell your best friend to stop showing off her new boobs around my boyfriend? I think it’s great she went and got a boob job, I can tell a big difference in her self-esteem, but she’s always wearing super small, tight shirts and when she wears looser shirts, she doesn’t wear a bra and her nipples stick straight out and up. Of course, my boyfriend stares at them right in front of me and it makes me feel like I’m competing for his attention or that he wishes I had a bigger chest when we are all hanging out. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or burst her newfound confidence, but it’s really making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to have her hang around with me and my boyfriend if she’s going to do this.

Of course your boyfriend is going to check out your BFF’s rack - he wouldn't be a man otherwise. And she’s practically force-feeding his eyeballs her cleavage! But that doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about or that you need to upgrade your own chassis. Men look at everything: cars, girls, food, electronics, shiny things, porn … trust me, he is happy to have his very own doll he can play with whenever he wants – that’s you. But he still needs to be checked for being an asshole. Seriously.

As for your friend … hurt her feelings, boo. She’s flaunting her goodies in front of your boyfriend and it’s not on accident. She may not want your man, but she definitely wants the attention. Sometimes friends need to give friends a reality check. If she’s truly your best friend, she will understand how you feel and quit free-boobing it around your man and possibly get her own.

Hang on Snoopy ..

I don’t know if you remember me, but we met at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago. My husband is away on “business” and we had an interesting conversation where you advised me not to snoop unless I was prepared to see what I didn’t want to see. But I didn’t listen and I saw something, now I don’t know what to do. It’s upsetting to say the least. A woman wrote him an email saying she missed him and wanted to skype with him. I understood her to be a friend from high school, but to me it seems pretty forward when you know a man is married. I deleted the email from her, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Now I’m wondering if he’s been writing her or talking to her because I don’t see why she misses him. I also remember you saying if I ever did snoop, I can’t say anything because I’d be the bad guy, no matter what. But I can’t just let this go. If I were to say something, what would you say would be the best route to go?

Well, I’d say you can’t go bat-shit crazy on him because you have no idea what his response would have been. What if he would have blew her off by either ignoring the email, deleting it or – long shot - telling her that she’s being a slut by hitting on a married man? Your best course of action would have been to leave the email in his box and see how he responded. He either would have proven himself to be a douchebag or he would have made you proud. Now you will never know and that will probably bother you since I’ve pointed it out.

Not all men are bad guys and some women can be manipulative, skanky bitches. I say that in my whitest girl voice.

You did violate his privacy by digging through his stuff, but I am assuming since you’re married, you have all his passwords and he knows this. So, why would he set himself up for failure? If you hadn’t deleted the email, you could have brought it up casually and asked about it. But now you can’t. It’s one thing to go through his shit, but another to delete it, even if you feel justified.

Since you already got rid of the email, and you aren’t even sure what would have happened, you can’t really be upset at a “what if.” Just because some girl emails your husband, it doesn’t mean he invited the contact. At this point, I would put this behind you and move on. Next time, don’t go looking for things you know you’re going to find. And if you find something vague, wait for it to prove itself worth a solid argument.

Facebook drama

Totally need your help. My boyfriend and I got into a fight because I wouldn’t add his mom on my Facebook. Well, I don’t think I need to add his mom if I don’t want to because I don’t even have my own parents on my Facebook page because of what my friends post and the pictures I get tagged in. I mean, we’re not old enough to drink and we don’t party, but some of the things are not what I would want my parents to see, so why would I want his mom to see it? His mom wrote me about it and I explained to her that I only use it for my friends, my own family isn’t on it and that it doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and talk. She insists that since I’m dating her son, she has a right to be on my page. I don’t have any problems with her, I just don’t think it’s a good idea because of that exact reason. My boyfriend agrees with his mom and hasn’t talked to me in days because of this. I don’t want to give in, but I don’t like fighting. Am I in the wrong? Should I add her? If I don’t, will I lose my relationship?

Oh, Facebook, the destroyer of relationships and friendships … drama disguised as a network of friends, old and new …

Honestly, when a grown woman puts that much importance on whether she is a Facebook friend of anyone, it has to make you wonder where her maturity level is … But, it is your page and you can do what you please. I don’t really see it as a big deal to add her just to keep the peace and your relationship –unless there is another reason why you don’t want her to have access to your page?

Obviously, if your boyfriend is not talking to you over this, it means he is very close to his mom and feels you are, in some way, disrespecting her by denying her a Facebook friendship. No matter what, family sticks together. I do think it’s a ridiculous reason to fight about and not talk to you over, but the issue is important to his mum, so now it’s important to him. I’m not saying he is wrong or you are right, I’m just pointing out that this is over a Facebook friendship denial – and that it’s stupid.

I remember before the Internet and Facebook and MySpace … things were less dramatic and a lot simpler. Relationships weren’t validated by status updates online and friendships weren’t ranked by a top 8. Thank the kids that were bored enough to invent that networking bitch for making your social and personal lives more difficult to navigate, as if it wasn’t hard enough dealing with normal relationship issues.

So, you may lose your relationship over this if you can’t make peace with your boyfriend’s mom. Blood is thicker than water. It doesn’t matter what issues you may have with his mom, your boyfriend will always remain loyal to family. What he needs to be asking himself is why he isn’t trying harder to understand your side of things and maybe work together on a compromise – if he intends on staying with you. His reaction and how he handles the situation will tell you how much he respects your relationship and how much he cares.

And you probably want to start asking yourself if whatever your reasons are for not having her on your page are more important than keeping your relationship together.