Too much ... too soon? Probably

Dear Hot Chick, I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy I met for about three weeks now. I know what you’re thinking: it can’t be serious after just two weeks. But it is. We clicked on every level of our beings and have been inseparable since. Well, he just told me that he is going to be leaving for his job soon (he’s in the ****) and that he will be gone for a while. Even if I had known this up front I don’t know if I would have not dated him, but now I’m wondering what I should do since he’s leaving. Do I keep dating him and wait for him while he’s gone? We talked about it a few times since and I’ve been getting anxiety attacks as the “date” gets closer. I need to know what I should do to make sure our relationship will work while he is gone.

Holy s%$#! There’s not much time.

Quick: Get married – RIGHT NOW. Also, make sure you are pregnant before he leaves, have him provide you with a power of attorney and make sure he adds you to his financial accounts. That might not ensure that your relationship will survive the time apart, but it will make it harder to disentangle himself from you in the event that he realizes you are completely psycho.

Look, it’s possible to really, really like someone after dating for almost a month. Everything is different, you’re noticing how much better the new guy is from your last douchebag and who doesn’t like new … “things.”
But let’s be real here.

You’re probably still recouping from your last break-up and how much you thought THAT was going to last, too. Then it didn’t and you’re realizing as you look back that you were never treated the way you should have been anyway. Here’s a new guy, with new experiences and he’s still treating you like a princess because … he wants to tap that as many times as he can before he leaves. True story, sista.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a bitter bitch who doesn’t believe in true love because I’ve been dumped one too many times.

Shit. Maybe.

But for serious, he’s leaving soon. You two haven’t been together long enough to build a more solid foundation to your ‘relationship’ other than great sex and good times. Don’t overanalyze your situation to be more than it might be to him – that’s just asking to get your feelings hurt. I think this calls for a conversation between you and the lucky bastard sometime soon about what he thinks of this relationship and where it might be going (or not going).

I’d wait at least another two weeks or so, though, so you don’t come off as too much of a possible stage five clinger. Approach it casually by asking if he sees you guys carrying the relationship through the separation. Don’t explain your feelings or how you think you guys are made for each other. Be prepared for bad news and when you hear it, don’t go bat shit crazy on him. I could be wrong, he could be just as unstable as you and you could be looking at a lifetime of blissfully ever after.
Good luck, future cat-lady.

Facebook does not make anything official

Dear Hot Chick,This is going to sound like a really immature question because I’m 25 years old but what does it mean when my boyfriend won’t post anything to my Facebook wall or put photos up of us on his page? Should I be worried about his level of commitment? Or am I looking into this too much? I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want to sound insecure.

Funny you should ask this question, because it was not long ago that I was quietly thinking the same thing about a guy I had been dating – for three years. Turns out it’s hard to keep your options open when you have photo and comment evidence online of actually having a girlfriend. We broke up. But I digress.

Facebook creates unnecessary problems in relationships. Even adults have been reduced to acting like tweenagers by subscribing to the collective thought, “it’s not official until it’s ‘Facebook official.’” What the Jesus did we all do before Facebook? Oh, right. There was MySpace where we could list our top 8 friends and Heaven forbid we should demote anyone from their rightful order … sigh …

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what this means for you. It could be nothing or it could mean he’s just not as into you as you want him to be. Or … he just doesn’t really do the Facebook thing. But if it really bothers you and you don’t want to sound like a needy, immature teen … bring it up in conversation like so:

(text him a picture of you both together)

You: So, did you like the picture I sent you? I make you look like a stud.

Him: Haha. Yeah you do. I like it.

You: You should totally put it up as your profile pic on FB.

Him: Hmmm. Okay, I will.

You: I’m serious.

Him: I said I will.

You: How do I know you will?

Him: Because I said I would, now stop nagging me.

Okay, so … maybe that’s not a good idea after all. Don’t do that. Just post photos on your page and tag him in them.

Instead of wondering why he is not publicly acknowledging you guys as an item on a social networking site, maybe you should just concentrate on the dynamics of your offline relationship. If you guys see each other, talk and spend a good amount of enjoyable time together in person, then you are way ahead of a lot of couples who over-share their business on Facebook to make up for whatever it is they are not doing offline to nurture their relationship.

The best way to deal with this situation is to not let it become an issue. Facebook does not make anything official, by the way. It just makes it so everyone knows your business - and that's not always a good thing.

Dear Hot Chick,
I have a slight crush on the barista at my favorite coffee place. Even though we flirt and talk a little when I’m at the counter ordering my coffee, I don’t know if I should ask her out. I want to, but what if she says no? Would it be awkward after that for us? Is there a way to ask her to get a guaranteed yes?

It must be so hard to be a dude sometimes. Especially a dude with feelings.

Why are you worried about getting a 'no?' You should be worried about her saying yes, because then – since you asked her out – you have to come up with a plan that will guarantee a second date.

But no pressure there …

If the magical rapport you think you both share is real, then you shouldn’t have to worry about rejection. If you’re not sure that you are imagining it because maybe you overheard her having the same connection with all of her other customers (after all, she IS in the business of customer service), then you can do what everyone else is doing now – Facebook friend and stalk the crap out of her. And try not to think that her accepting your friend request on FB means she is declaring a secret crush she may have been harboring for you all along. Some people are friend collectors or just nice. Personally, I’m not a fan of the social networking cloak of protection, but it has become a ‘safe’ way for dudes to creep for dates without fear of public rejection.

OR – and I’m just going to throw this out there – be yourself and ask her if she would like to hang out sometime? If you and some friends are planning a get together, invite her (and a friend) - it’s casual and you will get a chance to talk to her without the coffee counter barrier. You don’t know what her relationship or state of mental stability may be so you want to keep it casual just in case she’s dating a UFC wannabe or has a tendency to be a stage five clinger.

One girl - two guys ...

Dear Hot Chick: I'm kind of in between two guys at the moment and I need to choose soon. I met both on the same night and have been seeing them for a few months. I can't add either to my Facebook and they are asking questions and wanting more of my time than I have for two guys. I just don't know who to pick, they are both great guys. One is older and one is younger than me, they both have great qualities and the sex is great withg both, but I know if either finds out about the other, at this point I'm done. How do I pick? Is there a test ? What would you do?

Yes, there is a test. It's called an STD test and you can get that at the local clinic. I would not put myself in a position to look like a hooker so asking me that question won't help you. And if I did, I wouldn't admit to it in public, so it's still not a valid question.

Don't get me wrong, going on a few dates with a few different guys is not a bad thing. It can be healthy. But the minute you decide to engage in naughty time activities ... that's when you should have made your choice between one of the two. Girls that act like guys are not cute, it's not empowering and in the end, you end up looking like a who- a tool.

Honestly, I don't think you like either of them enough to be in a relationship. If you did, you wouldn't be asking me, you would have already made your choice. So ... I don't know what to tell you except to flip a coin.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Dear Hot Chick: I've been seeing this guy for two months. When we met, he said he didn't want a relationship because his job is too demanding (he's an EMT). He just wants someone he can spend time with when he has time. At first I was like, okay, and tried to keep things simple. You know, no cuddling, no overnights and no spending a lot of time together. But then he started being more affectionate and trying to spend even more time with me, even trying to get me to spend the night with him. When I asked him if he had changed his mind about being in a relationship he said no, but since we were hanging out anyway, why not enjoy it all the way? When I told him that he can't have everything and give nothing, he got mad and left. I haven't heard from him in a few days. What should I do? I have to admit that I developed some real feelings for him and was hoping that maybe he decided he wanted to be in a real relationship with me.

And this is why the friends with benefits arrangement doesn't work - unless you're both men. Because women can't turn off their emotions. As much as we try, we're just wired to feel things. The one-nighter was made for us - it's quick and there's no time to feel anything. Like pulling off a band-aid. But you only do it once - no repeaters.

So, what do you want out of this pretend relationship you have going? It's not exactly set up for a long-term pay-off. So what you should do depends on what you want. He's already told you he doesn't want a relationship and my own experience has told me that when a guy says that, he means it. Even if, one day, he decides he wants a real one, he still won't have that with you. Why not? I don't know, something about you giving him everything without a commitment.

That movie you watched with Justin and Mila? That was just a movie. Hollywood makes money off of raising expectations. Why do you think so many tweenagers don't want boyfriends? Because they are waiting for a vampire or werewolf! But I digress.

Look, bottom line is he walked out and you haven't heard from him. That's his answer to you. He laid it all out for you in the beginning when he said that he didn't want a relationship. Once those words left his mouth and you agreed to put out, he felt comfortable knowing he was covered in the event something like this should happen - and he's right. What was wrong was him expecting you to be his pretend girlfriend.

You're going to call him or text him, I'm going to advise you not to do that. You will only be feeding his ego ... and turning him off. Right now, there's a residual amount of oxytocin in your blood that's telling you that you need this guy, but you don't. Use this experience as a learning block - now you know you can't separate your heart from your vagina. Save them for someone who wants both.

Next time someone says they don't want a relationship, hear what they are really saying, "You're not good enough to be my girlfriend, but I'll still engage in naughty time with you." Remember, people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Pop the question or offer the digits?

Dear Hot Chick: Is it wrong to leave a phone number with someone without asking if she's married? Or should I have asked her what her marital status is before I left it? ~ Digit-ize-her

Hold onto that telephonic code, cowboy - at least until you've popped the question.

Since no one likes to wear their prison rings anymore, it's hard to tell if someone is contractually bound to another human being or single. There may have been a time when one glance at the ring finger would tell you that most important piece of info, but not anymore. Whether it's because they forgot it, don't like to wear it to work or the gym or because it doesn't go with their single and creeping outfit, you will find a lot of married peeps don't sport their rings.

Which makes it uber hard for those who have the balls to make a move.

I'm sure there are 'valid' reasons for falsely advertising their status, but it doesn't hurt to ask just in case. That way, if something unfortunate should happen like getting walked in on by the spouse, then you're covered under the "holy s#!$, I didn't know" protection clause - which exempts you from douchebag status.

Or, later on, when he/she is spinning a well-exaggerated story about how you are a douchebag who doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage ... well, you can call him/her out for the hooker they are because they didn't tell you.

Win.

You want to WHAT with my husband/boyfriend?

Recently, I have had a number of chicks write and ask me if it’s cool for their deployed guy to skype with another chick. I posed the question as a status update a month or so back. I was surprised at some of the answers. Of course a lot of guys said it’s cool as long as they are just friends. One girl even said it would be cool with them because they are soooo secure in their relationship.

So, now that I’ve had time to think about it, I’m going to call bullshit.

It’s definitely NOT okay no matter how secure you are in a relationship. You know why? Because if he has time to skype … he should be skyping with his girlfriend or wife … or Family members and best dude friends.

It’s also inappropriate for a single gal to proposition a skype session with a not single dude. It doesn’t matter if you are on the wife/girlfriend’s Facebook or not. Respect, ladies – respect. Especially if you haven’t met the girlfriend in person, but you just know she’s there. Put yourself in the girlfriend/wife’s shoes. How would you feel and be honest with yourself.

My guy has a few girls who are just friends. The ones I’ve met are married and have boyfriends (one of them is a best friend). I trust them because they have never mentioned to me that they want to skype with him. But they do email and keep up with him AS A FRIEND. I’m totally cool with that while he is deployed.

Skype is kind of an intimate thing when you’re in a situation like a deployment. I know what my boyfriend and I do when we are on video heaven. Not to say lines can’t be crossed with ‘chick friends’ through email/IM, and ultimately, it will be up to the person in the relationship to respect it and act accordingly. A little inside joke can lead to some under the clothes flash sessions to full on web cam girl scenarios. What guy is gonna turn that down?

The reason guys (and, let’s face it, girls do it, too) allow that to happen is because it’s not actual sex, so both parties think it’s not cheating. But listen up guys, when your girl is taking care of the homefront with her legs and House of V closed for business and collecting cobwebs for up to a year … it’s kind of like a slap in the naughty bits to find out their guy is playing online with another chick. So, guys, you should practice capping your squirt gun for the one who is working the hardest for it … your lady.

This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity. And it is most definitely cheating.

So, to back my “calling bullshit” up, I did ask five guys and five girls what they thought:

4 out of the 5 guys said:

It’s okay if it’s, like, a childhood friend.

Me:

What would your wife/girlfriend think about that?

Guys:

Well, we both have friends of the opposite sex and she knows I love her and it’s just a – F%$#, she wouldn’t be down with that.

Only ONE out of the five guys:

I wouldn’t do it, personally, but I can see where there are guys who would. I know if my girlfriend or wife were doing the same I wouldn’t like it either.

EVERY single Gal except one:

Oh, hell to tha nah! If my man is going to be skyping anyone, he’s going to skype with me. The only other girls are his mom, sister and some other family. Not cousins, though. There’s a thin line on what’s acceptable in some parts of the country when it comes to cousins, what with differing degrees of distance in the bloodline.

By the way, this works both ways. Ladies, it’s not cool to skype one of your single dude friends while your man is deployed. Because as my boyfriend once told me:

Guys don’t have single chicks as ‘just’ friends. They’ve either had sex with them before or they want to have sex with them or they are still having sex with them or they want them to send naked pictures. That’s it.

(I do think there’s an exception to the rule, but exploring that option is best for when you and your significant other are both in the same zipcode and country.)