No Condom, No Cookie

My boyfriend and I recently decided we would take a step back in our relationship and not be exclusive to each other for a little while. I’m okay with that but I’m not okay that he doesn’t want to use a condom during sex. If we’re not exclusive, I’m taking it to mean he wants to have sex with other girls and I just don’t think it’s safe for me to chance that he won’t pick up something and bring it back How do I convince him to use one?

“I’m taking it to mean he wants to have sex with other girls.” – DUH. What gave it away? Was it when he didn’t actually suggest you guys break up, but that you continue to toot it and boot it until he gets a better offer? Who’s making the poor choice again? And, honey, if you’re not exclusive he’s no longer your boyfriend - he’s just a boy friend. One who, apparently, doesn’t have a lot of respect for you because he’s saying that, while you’re not girlfriend material anymore, he still wants to use your girlfriend parts. That’s a lot like renting a car or borrowing a book. You use it until you’re done with it.

But, it’s your choice.

So, to answer your question, tell him he either wraps his weapon or he can find another ‘girl friend with benefits.’ Is the sex so awesome you’re willing to risk your life for it? This isn’t just about what feels better, it’s a health issue and you shouldn’t play nasty roulette with your naughty bits. Imagine how much different dating will be for you later on because of a poor choice you make now - STDs aren’t a myth.
Think about having to think twice about every relationship after this one because you’ve been infected and can’t bring yourself to say anything for fear of not only being rejected, but also of being judged.

I’m a big advocate of monogamy and safe sex. I’m an even bigger advocate of respecting yourself because if you don’t, no one else will. If you’re sticking around hoping to win back exclusivity with this guy, it’s probably never gonna happen – “why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?” But if you’re truly cool about this new open relationship status, protect those naughty bits. If he won’t agree to use protection, I’m sure there are plenty of other guys willing to suit up for your pleasure.

Discount Dating ... Yay or nay? The Hot Chick says ... Nay.

What’s the word on using coupons on a first date? This may sound shallow, but I recently went out with a guy and he paid for our movie tickets with a coupon and then when we went to get ice cream after, he used his punch card to get one of ours free. He was a nice guy and really cute, but it turned me off that he used coupons. Is that bad? Thankfully, I haven’t heard from him since, I don’t know how I would explain that I don’t want to go out with him again.

You’re not the only one who is turned off by cheap first impressions. Discount dating is frowned upon by gold-diggers and high-maintenance chicks everywhere. Honestly, you’re probably not being shallow enough if the only reason you’re turned off is because he used a coupon – twice – on a first date. There are so many other superficial reasons to dry your panties out – like, facial warts, acne, back-ne, back hair and British teeth (from, like, one hundred years ago, before they discovered dental care was an option.)

While, technically, there is nothing wrong with whipping out a dollar-saver on a date, it can prove to be counterproductive in the effort of working towards additional dates. It’s tacky and, since women tend to overanalyze everything, sends the message that your date wasn’t worth the full price of dinner. But, I’m sure that wasn’t the case with you since you sound like such a catch. Why he hasn’t called you for a second date, and give you the opportunity to awkwardly turn him down, is beyond reason. Maybe he lost your digits. Instead of wondering if using a coupon was good date etiquette, maybe you need to ask yourself why he didn’t call you for a second date.

First dates are all about making a good impression by treating someone out to a nice time without cutting corners. The time for frugality is usually reserved for after the honeymoon period of dating. I could push that into marriage, but in these hard economic times, we all have to watch what we spend. Even though some dates don’t lead to relationships – those expenses will just have to be considered investments. Too bad there isn’t a ‘dating deductible’ section on our tax forms.

So, at the risk of giving off the wrong first impression, first dates should be planned according to a ‘no coupon use’ budget. The only places exempt from this unspoken, first date, coupon rule are amusement parks and airline tickets. So, unless you plan on Six Flags or Vegas, pick places and activities where the bill won’t be an issue. This goes for women, too. Women wanted equality, they got it, and now they pay for even if it's not as much as men do. In a recent study, it was found that while men spend an average of $100 per month on dates, women spend less than $50.

So, who’s the cheapskate there, missy?

Booby-Bars and Boys

Q: Why do guys like strip clubs so much? My boyfriend says it’s a visual thing, like watching porn, but why can’t he see me like that? And let me point out that he is not giving dollar bills to porn movies, he gets them free off the Internet. He says he doesn’t give money to the girls except to tip for drinks and that it’s just a place to hang with the guys, but why can’t he hang out at a sports bar with them?

A: Guys live in this fantasy world where they think every hot chick should walk around naked, shaking their goodies all over the place. That’s what strip clubs represent – a fantasy come-to-life! It’s like walking porn they can’t touch, but can think about later, or not at all. When he tells you it’s a social outing, believe him. No doubt he is looking at someone else’s naughty bits, but you would to, if they were right in front of you. I do.

You should really be grateful your boyfriend doesn’t look at you as an exotic dancer. I’m not knocking the lifestyle or the job. (If I had the body and the balls, I’d most likely try it, I know a few dancers and they make more money than I do.) Most men look at these girls as objects and not actual people. Those dancers might be working their way through med school or supplementing their income during these hard, economic times, but all your boyfriend and his friends are seeing are oily, glittery tits and ass – and lots of both. Those girls are only working what their mama gave them for dollars, not your boyfriend’s penis because the latter won’t pay their bills.

I’m guessing you’ve never been to a ‘strip’ club so you’re not comfy with what you think is going on, what you’re boyfriend is telling you and what’s the real deal. Why don’t you go check it out? Get your girls together for a girls’ night and make it a research expedition. Pay attention to how the girls flirt and dance their way into a man’s wallet and take those moves home to surprise your boyfriend. It might not keep him out of the strip club for bro-night, but you will have become his perfect fantasy woman. Not only will you be the girl that cooks, takes care of him, and can bring around his friends and family, but you will also be his private dancer. It’s a win.

However, if you’re not comfortable with that plan of action, maybe it’s time to sit down and explain to him how this makes you feel. Decide what you want the outcome to be and what you’re willing to settle for in a compromise. Guaranteed, he’s not giving up guys’ night at the booby bar. The drink specials are better than at a sport’s bar and they get to see more skin. Maybe you can trade for a couple’s day/night without interruption and you call the shots to include shopping, chick flicks, dinner and sexy time.

Good luck!

Forcing feelings = bad decision

Q: Okay, there’s this girl I met. She’s funny, pretty and just an all around good person. There’s just one problem. I’m not interested in her as anything other than a friend. After dating a string of drama-queens, I thought that I’d fall for the first normal girl I met, but I can’t seem to make myself like her as anything more than a friend. What’s wrong with me? Should I make a serious effort or just let it go? What if she’s the one and I let her go because I’m subconsciously looking for another drama queen?

What IS wrong with you? Stop over-analyzing and obsessing over your lack of feelings for a girl you don’t even know likes you back as anything other than an acquaintance. As long as you haven’t done anything stupid, like have sex with her, I think you’re good. Don’t cross lines and lead her on because, honestly, that’s where nice girls turn into psycho-stage-five-clingers – your ‘drama queens.’

If you’re worried about Ms. Perfect being ‘the one,’ I can tell you that she probably is - just not for you. If you don’t have feelings for her, don’t try to force them. That’s just a waste of time for both of you. What happens when you get tired of pretending to be ‘in love’? After weeks, or even months, of living a seemingly perfect partnership (mostly because you don’t care enough to talk or fight about the important things for fear the truth will come out before you want it to), you blindside her with a breakup because you feel unfulfilled and she spends the rest of her dating life wondering what she did wrong. But it wasn’t her, it was you, asshole. And YOU pretty much created the trust issues that she will carry over to all the other guys she will date. Can you live with that on your conscience? Who am I kidding, of course you can …

Seriously, though, how do you know she’s really a nice person? Just like guys, women pretend they are a lot more stable and interesting than they actually are when they first meet someone. It’s called ‘game.’ Played well, ‘game’ will give a girl the advantage of seeming like the ‘perfect’ fit for any man long enough to hook him into a relationship he didn’t know he wanted. You will know this technique by a few obvious vocal cues: mentioning sports without any facts to back up a real interest, talking about strip clubs in a positive light and agreeing that sex is a basic need that can be met without a commitment – now or ever – are just a few.

So, don’t feel obligated to ‘like, like’ or fall in love with someone because they seem like the kind of person who would be good for you. Because, truthfully, you don’t really know anyone until you get to know them and then … how well do you really know them?

Gossip Girl-friend

My girlfriend and her friends like to gossip. They get together and have focus groups about different things and people they gossip about. I don’t care, I know that’s what girls like to do when they get together, but it’s when we are alone and spending time together and the only thing she can talk about is other people and that really bothers me. At first, it was pretty entertaining to listen to what kinds of things they talk about. But it’s the only thing she can talk about. I like more substance to my conversations and this is getting old. Is this how all girls act or are there girls who do more than just talk about other people?

A: Wait. Men 'Converse'? Really? Since when? I jest …

So, what kind of “substance” are you looking for in your conversations? Should there be a sports element, mention of some boobies or even talk of alcohol and partying? No, I’m serious. I understand that what’s interesting to men can be so different to what’s interesting to women.

Well, let’s get one thing straight: they don’t consider their talk as gossiping, they consider it networking. It’s not all chicks, but there are a lot of chicks like your chick. If you were paying attention to what she was saying and not what you guys could be doing when you first met her, it would have been obvious that she would turn out to be a vapid flake, perfect for you only when her mouth was shut or occupied (don’t be dirty, I’m talking about with food or drink). There are girls out there who can hold a conversation, but there’s a trade-off. They probably won’t quick to put out, will call you on your bull and crap, and could possibly not be as hot as your Gossip Barbie. Those girls are known as keepers. I’m assuming this isn’t your first girlfriend, but if you met a keeper, you wouldn’t be writing me right now.

But to be fair, let’s assume you have a girl who is capable of holding conversations about something other than who’s doing who, wearing what and saying that. How about voicing your concerns about the lack of diversity in topics of discussion? Or – and this is just a shot in the dark – you could start the conversation on a point that interests you. I’m going to assume that when you two talk, it’s mostly her talking and you pretending to listen. Feigned interest in return for favors is not a situation that can last.

So, practice some good conversation starters and learn how to steer talk in the direction you would be more likely to participate in. If that doesn’t work, consider the entertainment value of gossip and take an interest: if you can’t beat them, join them. Good luck!

Decisions, decisions ...

I started seeing a guy a few months ago that I met on Facebook; we have mutual friends. He is deployed and messaged me out of the blue one day. We’ve talked, written, Skyped or IM’d every day for the last few months and we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, even changing our relationship status on Facebook. Well a week ago, I went out with the girls and ran into my ex- boyfriend who cheated on me with a girl he met online. We talked and he wants to get back together. But he’s getting ready to deploy. Now I’m confused. I still have feelings for my ex, and I also like this new guy, but he isn’t here and I really don’t know him well. My ex will be leaving about the time my new guy comes back. How should I handle this?

A: How should you handle what? Cheating? Because that’s what it sounds like and I don’t tell people how to creep on their relationships. Do you really have feelings for your ex other than he’s conveniently not deployed? You could have saved yourself from this dilemma by not agreeing to ‘date’ someone you’ve never actually met or spent time with, leaving yourself available to explore all other ‘options’ free of judgment. But you didn’t and if you do what you’re thinking about doing, just know that every derogatory word for chicks that cheat on their dudes will be yours to own.

You know your ex hasn’t been pining for you since the breakup - there’s probably a trail of vagina from the last time you both hooked up to now. The only reason he wants you back is he either saw your status update on Facebook, heard it through mutual peeps or hasn’t had any luck with trading up and realized you were probably the best he was gonna get. Exes have a way of knowing when to jam that emotional crowbar in your heart to keep you from moving on. Mr. Facebook is fresh and untainted by d-bag shenanigans – at least for the time being.

I haven’t heard you say you love either guy, which leads me to believe you’re just looking to have a your more intimate needs met. I suppose if you timed it just right, and kept it to yourself, you could have your cake and eat it, too. But then, that doesn’t make you any better than your ex boyfriend, now does it? So the choice - to be or not to be - is yours.

Man stealer

Q: So, I saw this hot guy walk into a bar a few weeks ago with a really pretty girl that I guess was his girlfriend. I saw him out once after with a bunch of guys without his girlfriend but he left the place we were at before I could talk to him. Is there a technique to get a guy to break up with his girlfriend? I so want him.

A: Quit being a whore and find your own man. Seriously. You’re the kind of girl that will probably get to have sex with a lot of guys that will never belong to you because of your lack of respect for another girl’s man and yourself. Guys like pretty girls and the thrill of the chase, but most of them will lose interest after they get to sample the goods and they realize that it wasn’t worth the trade.

There are a ton of hot single guys out there but I understand that being a homewrecker is sexy to people like you, douchebags, a certain A-list actress and a certain country singing sweetheart turned Lifetime movie actress. You won’t find any tips and tricks here on how to break up a happy couple. Why don’t you eat your own dinner and stop staring at everyone else’s plate?